Tuesday, July 26, 2011


I wish it were under better circumstances. I suppose they could he worse. Part of my not blogging had to do with the blogger app on my phone acting up, so I wound up uninstalling it, and with my daughter here I'm not on the computer as much. But mostly it's because despite my not wanting to regain weight I quit tracking, quit trying, and did just that. I won't even say how much, but it was more than I started blogging with.

Last week I just decided I was done. I felt like crap from eating just CRAP all the time. I don't even know why I was doing it. Stress maybe. Once it became habit it was much harder to stop. I told my boyfriend that I just felt awful. I felt bloated and huge and uncomfortable, and even doing the same physical activities I always had was suddenly getting much more difficult. I told him I needed to lose the weight. Even if I just get to, say, 145 and decide what to do from there. I was much more comfortable at that weight than I have been lately.

I decided that for now the best plan for me is to skip starches and sugars. It had just become too difficult for me to limit them. When I feel like I have more control I will go about adding them back in but moderately. For now it's just easier to stay on plan without them. I need a mental break.

So I'm not doing low carb exactly. I have found that my body just doesn't do well on that. I'm eating fruits and the higher carb dairy products, as well as small amounts of things like teriyaki sauce, and focusing on protein and fruits and vegetables. I probably wind up at around 80-100 grams a day total. It just winds up being much more filling, and thus much easier to stay within points.

So far I have dropped about seven pounds in less than a week's time. Four of it was overnight. So obviously I was very very bloated. I've gained a good amount of fat with it too though, and it needs to go.

Today I had a shake of protein powder and soy milk for.breakfast. For lunch I brought some lettuce with half an avocado and a tablespoon of parmesan ranch dressing, a thick slice of watermelon, and a cup of cottage cheese. I have an artificially sweetened yogurt for a snack later, and for dinner I am making turkey keilbasa sauteed with mushrooms and green bell pepper. I still have some points left after all that, but I haven't decided what to do with them yet. I was afraid my daughter would miss having pasta, potatoes, and rice at dinner, but I don't even think she's noticed. I bought a bag of dinner rolls for to to have if she wants, but so far she's never even wanted one at dinner. She does eat them for lunch though.

This weekend we are going to Portland to visit my aunt by train. She generally takes us out to eat for every meal, so I am planning to just try to stick to reasonble portions of reasonably healthy choices, and some limited amounts of treats. I'll track as best I can too. I don't want to undo what I've lost already.

In other unrelated news, I have been tossing around the idea of a career change for some time, but have had no idea what to go into. I initially wanted something that's not so physically demanding, but I've been hard pressed to come up with something that I'm really interested in doing along those lines. I think I have a plan now. It's kind of the opposite of non-physically demanding, but I'm still young, and who knows where it could lead. I do have some specific ideas in mind, but I won't share them just now. One thing I will share is that working in some way with people dealing with food insecurity is something I care strongly about. And my first steps, after my daughter goes back to Alaska for the school year, are to take some basic cooking classes in the evening after work, and the second part is to start volunteering in the kitchen of the resource center for homeless youth a couple blocks from my apartment.

So, that's what's been happening with me. Things are, for now, going well, and I'm happy to be back on track.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Spinning my wheels

I cannot seem to get it together. I start out the day planning to eat healthy but then I just completely dissolve, sometimes before lunch even. I feel horrible. My whole body aches. I am bloated beyond belief, and some of my pants are too tight. The ones that were previously loose, most of them just fit now. For every time I turn down the opportunity for junk food, or even just choose something lower in calories, there are three more times that I just plain don't. I know a lot of this is only water weight, but I also know some of it definitely is not. I am not sure why it has suddenly become SO much harder. I don't know how to fix it. I am even trying to make baby steps (not count points but try to eat more produce and limit junk food) and even then I am failing. I feel very out of control right now, and I'm not happy.

In other news I am looking into making a career change in the next few years. Possibly sooner. I have been a manicurist for 7 years. Though I like it, it is physically taxing. It's getting harder on my back. I'm tired of being in pain by the end of the day half the time. I had thought about doing floral design before but I had a client once who did that, and I decided against it. She said she loved her job but it's also very physically demanding. Her hands were also very rough and calloused from work, and that would drive me totally nuts. I am now thinking about body piercing. I guess you just have to do an apprenticeship here and then apply for your license. I am not all that keen on another student loan (just throw it onto the pile with the other two!) so that appeals to me, and I'd even make at least a small income while training.

I like working one on one with people, and I think I'd be fine with stabbing people with needles. I also gauged my ears out to a 0ga at one point, and have some experience with that. I let the holes shrink back to a six after a few years. Otherwise I have no other piercings, but there are a few I wouldn't mind getting. I don't exactly fit the image of someone who works in the body art field though. I have one small tattoo that is usually covered by my clothing, and have no interest in piercing anything other than my ears. Actually I think snake bites look kind of cool, but only if you are under 25. Lol. And I know my boyfriend would hate it if I did that. It's not really me.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Must... resist... cheesecake

Ok, so last night I ate lots of those damn chocolate crisp cookies we got at IKEA two weeks ago. I had been doing a good job at ignoring them in the top of my closet, but once I had one... well there's something very addictive about them.

I had 11 weekly points left as of this morning. I had a homemade smoothie and on the way to work I stopped and got a donut. Because I had the points for one and it's been months since I had one. And thennnnnn... I got to work. And there was almost an entire cheesecake left over from a pot luck they had had yesterday when I was off. One that has a couple slices each of six different flavors. I ate one and a half pieces. I almost had one more. I am not going to let myself do it. It's not worth it. I can handle this.

I ate my lunch including a big bowl of fresh pineapple and green and red grapes. I am stuffed now and eating cheesecake at this point would just make me suffer. Gotta stand firm and be strong. I'm bigger than a grocery store cheesecake.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Quick update

I did my weigh in on Thursday. I have gained 2.2 lbs since my last weigh in at weight watchers, which I expected. I seem to still be dropping some water weight from all the poor eating though. I have been staying on plan well since switching to maintenance. I think I will stay on it a while longer. Until I feel I have some control back.

Tomorrow I get to spend the day ripping up about a dozen carpet tiles and redoing them. We discovered  that my daughter had been dragging the trampoline around the room and the feet left big black marks that will not come out at all. There are even marks where it was just sitting there so we are getting rid of the trampoline. It's too big for this space anyway.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Rethinking things

Things have just been really damn hard. I knew the summer would be difficult, but I didn't realize exactly how difficult it would be. Last summer I literally ate whatever I wanted and I maintained my weight of 160ish the whole time. Fast food, candy, huge Slurpees, mac and cheese and hot dogs for dinner.It's not that I want to necessarily eat the same way now, but I find myself feeling very deprived. I find myself indulging far more often than I can if I want to lose weight. An extra enchilada here. A scoop of frozen custard there. In addition the dinners I am making are much more starch heavy than usual because it's cheaper and my food budget doubles in the summer months with my daughter here.

I've decided that I just don't want to spend the time going to WW meetings until she goes back home to her dad's. I want to spend all the time I can with her. I called his morning and temporarily changed to e-tools only. I will weigh in at home on the same day, in the same clothes. I need to start doing that again. Seeing the patterns on a graph makes a difference to me.
I have also, for now, changed the settings in my e-tools for maintenance. I may not leave it there, but for now I need a break and I want to at least maintain where I'm at. I think I should start keeping track of my activity points again as well. I had stopped doing that for a while. I get a lot more activity in the summer too.

Right now I'm just going to take it one day at a time and see how it goes. My main concern at this time is to NOT regain the weight.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

ABCs of food

I stole this from The Tortoise's blog. I thought it was kind of fun. :)

A: is for Apple, what's your favorite variety?
Honey Crisp. Wish they weren't so expensive.

B: is for Bread, regardless of nutrition, calories, or whole grains what is your favorite type to have a nice big piece of?

C: is for Cereal what is your favorite kind currently (just one!)
Spoon Size Shredded Wheat is my long time favorite.

D: is for Doughnuts, you might not currently be eating them but what kind do you fancy?
I love doughnuts and still get them sometimes. Lemon jelly filled is the best.

E: is for Eggs, how would you like yours prepared?
Scrambled with melted cheese on top or basted. To baste an egg you can either spoon bacon fat over the top to cook the top, or steam it. I steam mine. You cook it just like a sunny side up egg and for the last minute or two you add a little water to the skillet and cover it. This cooks the egg white on to of the yolk without cooking the yolk too much, and it's nice and runny but no slimy whites. I will also ONLY eat scrambled eggs if I make them. They have to be made just right.

F: is for Fat Free, what is your favorite fat free product?
I don't like anything that should have fat and doesn't. Some low fat things are ok though, like mayo, yogurt, ice cream, and certain cheeses.

G: is for Groceries, where do you purchase yours at?
QFC, Safeway, Trader Joe's and Grocery Outlet. Very occasionally Whole Foods.

H: is for Hot Beverages, what is your favorite hot drink?
Mulled cider

I: is for Ice Cream, pick a favorite flavor and add a fun topping.
Haagen Dazs white chocolate raspberry truffle. I wouldn't add a topping but it's awesome with a slice of red velvet cake.

J: is for Jams or Jellies, do you eat them, and if so what kind and flavor?
Sugar free strawberry.

K: is for Kashi, name your favorite Kashi product?
The Go Lean cereal is pretty good.

L: is for Lunch, what was yours today?
A sliced apple and a pizza quesadilla. A tortilla filled with mozzarella, a few pepperonis and grilled in olive oil, served with warm marinara to dip it.

M: is for microwave, what is your favorite microwave meal/snack?
Microwaving ruins a lot of foods for me. Those Smart Ones sundaes are really good. You only micro them for like 5 seconds though.

N: is for nutrients, do you like carbs, fats, or proteins best?
Carbs and fat together.

O: is for oil, what kind do you like to use?
Canola. EVOO has a strong flavor. Too strong for anything not Italian or Greek in nature.

P: is for protein, how do you get yours?
A lot of it from protein powder. The rest from dairy and beans mostly.

Q: is for Quaker, how do you like your oats?
Instant oatmeal. Flavored ones.

R: is for roasting, what is your favorite thing to roast?
I don't think I have roasted anything in my entire adult life.

S: is for sandwich, what’s your favorite kind?
Egg salad on wheat with lettuce and tomato.

T: is for travel, how do you handle eating while traveling?
I kind of eat what I want and just try to maintain till I get back.

U: is for unique, what is one of your weirdest food combos?
I'm pretty well known for having rigid ideas about what foods belong together.

V: is for vitamins, what kind do you take?
I take kids gummy vitamins.

W: is for wasabi, yay or nay?
It's ok. Wasabi almonds are awesome.

X: is for X-RAY. If we x-rayed your belly right now, what food would we see?
Once piece of frozen pizza, two small boneless BBQ wings, and some grapefruit juice.

Y: is for youth, what food reminds you of your childhood?
Vanilla yogurt with sliced bananas, Mrs. Grass noodle soup, raw rhubarb and chives.

Z: is for zucchini, how do you prepare it?
Cut it lengthwise, put a little olive oil on top and sprinkle with parmesan cheese. Bake for about 15. I also like it a lot in pasta dishes.

Kind of a frustrating day

I ordered a poster of a Salvador Dali painting for my daughter's room, and picked it up from the post office today, but when I opened it the poster was bent in the middle. There was no damage at all to the shipping tube either, so it must have been mailed out like that. I called the site and left two messages but they never called back. I just emailed them, so hopefully they will send out a replacement soon. On top of that the intake on the vacuum is clogged and it doesn't work at all. I can't get it unclogged.

I didn't go to the weigh in or meeting today either. I was just feeling lazy. There would have been around a two pound gain. On the plus side I have not overeaten yesterday or today. I bought one of those frozen pizzas that comes with boneless BBQ wings for my daughter and boyfriend since I work late Thursdays. When I got home I just had one piece of pizza and two small wings with a small glass of grapefruit juice, and it was enough. I'm still good and full. I thought about having a freezer pop since they are only one point, but I realized I didn't need it or really want it even, so I didn't have one this time. I have been brushing my teeth after I finish eating for the day, and I always thought it was silly (Like anything could stop me from eating. Ha!) but it seems to help.

I came to the realization the other day that the reason I want to lose more weight is almost entirely for my boyfriend. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. It's not like he has ever said anything about wanting me to lose weight, but he likes putting his hands on my waist and saying stuff about how tiny I am. I can tell he likes it. He says he likes that I have hips. He says he likes that he can pick me up. He said that he likes being seen with me in public because people assume that he's either rich or has a big dick (he also says that neither is true). I think he has a skewed perception of what he looks like though. I think he's very attractive. He thinks I am way out of his league. I think having a girlfriend who is smaller than him is still a novelty for him.

His ex wife literally weighs twice as much as me, and she's very apple shaped. Even though they are friends, I know he secretly enjoys that she is a little bothered by him dating a much smaller woman, and she has accused him of divorcing her because she was fat. He says this isn't true at all. He said that he was never bothered by her weight, just that she complained about it all the time and never tried to change it.

He told me that he wouldn't love me any less if I were bigger. I've lost over 30 lbs since I met him, and the picture on my dating profile were all at my highest weight when he first wrote to me. So I don't doubt that that is true. But it's also obvious to me that he gets something out of me being more conventionally attractive. And I really like the approval I get from him. I want more of it. I'm just not sure that this is a healthy reason to lose weight at all.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Messed up so bad last night

I ate like seven cookies and two pop tarts after dinner. I need to revise my strategy. I'm not even on my period so I can't blame that. Well, it's a new month and I can make a new start. I can do this.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Struggling. Big time.

I have just been having the hardest time getting my eating under control. I think it just boils down to being busy, being stressed, and having my daughter here. When she is here I tend to eat out more, have more snacks and desserts, etc. As of yesterday I was almost four pounds up from my last weigh in. I stayed within my points yesterday and this morning I was a pound and a half down from that. My goal this week is to have as small of a gain as I can.

Yesterday Jeremy and I hung up curtain track from the ceiling around my daughter's "room." We have an odd assortment of curtains hanging there now. Next time I get paid I'll buy matching ones. Two of the curtains there right now are black and we like how that looks, so we're planning on black ones.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Missing in action

So, I haven't been tracking this week so far. With my daughter coming soon, and my nausea pretty much gone, I decided I wanted to get back into eating normal food. I decided to start with foods I like under almost all circumstances. I had some pizza, some BBQ chicken, and some ice cream. I know I used up my weekly points on Friday, and went over again on Saturday. Sunday I did well until Jeremy brought home a pint of Ben and Jerry's which I ate about a third of. Today I did not keep track of points, but I did better. I bought some fudgesicles, because they are 100 calories each and I know I will only eat one or two at the most. I am planning to track tomorrow and keep things in line.

I've decided to wait until next week to weigh in and go to the meeting. My daughter gets in late Wednesday night, and I work Thursday evening. I want to have time to do things with her. I'm going to do my best to stay on track so I have a loss when I weigh in next week. So far I have only seen a pretty manageable gain from the weekend, so it should be more than possible.

I've also not been wanting to cook because I have had lots of work to do in the apartment. I got the carpet all done, the painting all done. I had to go buy new screws to put my table together, which was awesome because I had no idea what kind they were, but the ones I bought were just right. I cleaned the whole bathroom and kitchen. Never underestimate how gross a couple of cats and a guy can make these rooms. I don't even understand how it's possible. I had to completely clean the entertainment center and his desk too. Like they had never been cleaned. Ever. So. Disgusting. The horrible thing is that I cleaned his desk thoroughly about six months ago.

I've also been putting in finishing touches like the metal strip between the carpet and the laminate flooring in the hallway. Yeah, that's a lot harder than you'd think. I also had paint all over my vinyl chairs (I sometimes paint as a hobby). I bought some solvent to remove the paint and spent about an hour scrubbing the paint off while talking to my dad and then my daughter on speaker phone. My hands are super dry from the solvent now. It's looking REALLY good in here though and it's worth the work.

I know my daughter doesn't care if there are paint drips on the chairs, but it matters to me. I was looking at dinettes online today thinking I'd like to get a new one in a couple years. The one I really like, the Eero Saarinen set, is over four grand. I didn't really see anything else that I liked more than what I currently have. I figured reupholstering the chairs would be cheaper. But when I started looking at upholstery shop sites they didn't have any vinyl colors even close to what I have. And I want the same color. So I decided to bite the bullet and clean them off. I have had that set for 6 years, and I really love it. I shipped it here from Alaska when I moved. Some of the chairs have small rips and damage, and one of the legs is a bit bent, but I need to hang onto them a little longer. Complete sets are not easy to find. Especially in dark pink.

I kind of have to admit that I am starting to resent the fact that I'm the one doing almost all of the work. Especially the gross cleaning duty. I know that his low vision would prevent him from doing a thorough job anyway, but he could at least wipe up the counters and the stove after using them, and wipe his desk off after he eats there. Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly cleaning up after him and the cats. It's going to be even worse with a kid here.

Thursday, May 19, 2011


That's a bit more than I expected. I used so many points at the party that I stopped counting once the weeklies were all gone. The rest of the week I was at or near 29. Then again I have not been keeping track of or using activity points. So maybe that's why. So I have lost a total of 7.4 so far and I got my 5% star today. I am thinking about lowering my goal again. Maybe to 130 or something. Just thinking about it for now. I will see how I feel about it when I get to 136.

I got some more of the carpet installed after my meeting today. Now we just have to move the rest of the furniture onto the carpeted section so I can do the rest. I also realized last night that I can't find the screws to put my table legs on anywhere, so I will have to go buy more. I don't know what size they are either.

I'm kind of annoyed at Jeremy for something. He is still friends with his ex-wife and was talking to her tonight while I was at work. She had made a dig at him at one point, calling him arrogant. So later on he wanted to get back at her and he told her how successful I have been doing Weight Watchers, and that I have lost quite a bit of weight since we've been together. She is very overweight and has done Weight Watchers a couple times in the past but didn't stay with it. (I can imagine why, as he is a horrible enabler) I don't think it was fair for him to use me like that, to make a dig at her. I get along with her and do not want an adversarial relationship because of stuff like this.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

We got our giant beanbag! It's sooo comfortable! Everything is sort of coming together, but there's a lot of work to do still. I still have about 40% of the carpet to do. I don't work until the evening tomorrow, so I'm hoping to get some finished before work.

This is the wall where the dining table will be.

This is as far as I have gotten on the carpet.

I've been feeling a lot better. Just some occasional mild nausea. For the last few days I have been working on getting 29 points in. I have been successful at it too. My weigh in is tomorrow. I'm expecting somewhere in the neighborhood of one pound, due in part to last Saturday's party.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Been busy

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. I've been really busy trying to get the house cleaned/fixed up as I only have one more week before my daughter gets here!

The birthday party last Saturday was fun. I probably drank my weight in vodka-fied fizzy limeade. The one advantage to being drink is my stomach issues go away temporarily and I can eat a lot more. In addition to the pudding I brought, I tried: pasta salad (no), potato chips (yes), fruit salad (kind of ok but lots of acid and too much ginger), bbq chicken breast (so good I had three pieces), apple pie (good), and chocolate chip cookies (also good, but I stopped eating halfway through the second one, as I had hit my wall).

Around midnight my friend H who was having the party halfway sat in my lap to tell me how "A-maaaze-ing" I looked. After he stumbled off to the kitchen to do more shots, the girl sitting across from me said that she was going to leave since H was starting to get creepy and asked if Jeremy and I would like a ride to the bus transit. Did I mention that these people were all teachers, doctors, astrophysicists?

The bad thing about getting that drunk is that I suffer the effects for days. Hangovers are not a good thing for people battling nausea issues. I got through it ok. I decided to try a few new things too. I remembered eating summer sausage throughout most of the nausea last time I started my meds. I saw some little summer sausage bites at the grocery outlet and bought them. They work! I decided to try eating the canned peaches without pureeing them too, and that went well. The only thing that didn't work was changing my morning shake. I put mangos in it with the banana and the protein powder. I couldn't drink it.

I want to try to get my eating fairly normalized in the next couple of weeks so I don't have to make two seperate meals for me and my daughter.

Last weekend I put tons of time into finishing the painting and installing carpet. They are carpet squares. Really cheap indoor/outdoor ones in rusty orange. And our landlord does not want us to affix them to the floor. So I have to duct tape them together on the bottom and then just pound them onto the carpet tacks at the edges. I'm sort of amazed that this works and that it looks as good as it does.

The giant brown bean bag is coming tomorrow!! My daughter doesn't know we're getting yet, just that it's a surprise.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

New shoes

I got these in the mail yesterday. One of my clients had a pair, and I loved them so I ordered my own as soon as I could. They are Crocs!! I have had a pair of the slip-on flats for a while, and have been wanting some heels too, but I wanted them to be made completely out of the Crocs material. A lot of their dressier shoes aren't. Living in Seattle and walking a lot I just found my regular shoes were falling apart because they got wet all the time. It didn't matter if they were cheap or expensive. With Crocs, eventually the soles wear down some, but they are virtually indestructible. They are a little expensive, but they last me so much longer.

I also got a pair of black DKNY pants from Listia.com in the mail the other night, and DAMN they look hot. I never understood the appeal of designer clothes before, but I am starting to get it.

Last night I peeled and chopped up a sweet potato and boiled it till it was soft. Then I mashed it with a tsp of canola oil, a T of brown sugar, a couple squirts of sugar free maple syrup, and a dash of salt. It was pretty good. I'd have it again.

Along with my usual breakfast shake today I am planning to have vegetarian baked beans for lunch, and am going to try pureeing canned peaches packed with Splenda. Like applesauce only peachsauce. At least I hope! I've also been drinking a small glass of white grapefruit juice for the past couple of days to get some variety into my fruit servings. So far it's been nothing but applesauce and bananas.

I have a birthday party to go to tonight for a good friend of mine I have known 14(!!!) years. We went to college (!!!) together. Wow, I feel pretty old. I am making a couple things to take so I can use up some of the food in the fridge that I just don't have the appetite for right now. Jeremy, for some reason, won't eat them, and I don't want them to go bad.

I am making fruit salad, my usual style, but a little different this time. I usually mix a couple T of honey with the juice from one lime, and 6-7 chunks of candied ginger chopped up small. This is the dressing. The ginger soaks up the lime juice and the sugar dissolves. The resulting product tastes really good. Then I just dice up whatever fruit is cheap into a big bowl and toss it together. But this time I thawed out some raspberries and added that to the dressing too. I have kiwi, strawberries, and champagne mangoes. I also have some clementines, but I'll have to check and see if they are still any good.

The other dish is a total experiment. I am making pasta salad. I cooked the penne last night and while it was still hot I mixed in 4 oz of goat cheese and just enough milk to make it into a creamy sauce. Today I'm going to add chopped apples and celery to it. I don't know if it's going to be good or not.

I'm not really sure how tonight is going to go. Neither of the things I'm bringing are something I'd want to eat right now. It's a BBQ. It's unlikely anyone else will bring anything soft, mushy, and bland. We're taking the bus, so hot foods don't work so well. I have a bunch of pudding mix. Maybe I can make some of that and fancy it up somehow.

Can I just say that this is the weirdest side effect I have ever heard of or experienced? I guess it can fall under loss of appetite. It just seems weird for that to include only being able to handle certain foods. And not wanting foods that I used to love in the slightest. I just feel more hopeful this time knowing it will get back to normal. It will take some time, but it will get better.

Friday, May 13, 2011

My head is about to explode

Apparently Blogger is still down. I am writing this on my phone to upload later. I weighed in today at my Weight Watchers meeting. I lost exactly five pounds, which means I got a five pound star. Yes, I realize at least three pounds of it was water weight, but at least it's friggin' gone now. And you know what? I feel damn good! It's nice to finally see some progress, regardless of why.

I was kind of worried that they would be suspicious/concerned since people my size don't typically have five pound losses unless they are on The Biggest Loser. But then I thought, well it's fairly obvious that it could easily be water weight (which it was). And thus, the loss itself is not an abnormal amount. Frankly I don't think the receptionist thought it through to that degree anyway. She just congratulated me and said, "That means you get your five pound star!"

When I did the math I realized that at the current level I am eating, and my current BMR, I shouldn't lose more than two pounds a week, which is normal. The last time I started my meds I was losing 3-5 lbs a week, which was scary to me. But I weighed a lot more, and was eating a lot less. So there you go.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Since I have nothing else to do until the meeting...

I decided to prove to myself I do not look fat in pictures. Try to ignore the dirty mirror and that a tornado has hit the room. I feel better now. I need to work on not cutting myself down all the time. I never realized how bad I've been about that.


As I was trying on some clothes, picking out something for a birthday party this weekend, I looked in the mirror and for maybe the first time ever I thought I looked really thin.

True to form, my very next thought was, "but I'd still look really fat in pictures." I have issues. Sigh.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Going shopping

I need to go to the grocery store tomorrow. I'm trying to think of things I can try that are soft, mushy, or liquid. So far I've been having smoothies with peanut butter and banana, applesauce, vegetable and bean based soups, refried black beans with melted cheese, scrambled eggs with melted cheese, yogurt, cottage cheese, pudding, mashed potatoes and oatmeal.

Last time around my nutritionist wanted me to drink more fruit juice so I am planning to get some white grapefruit juice, my favorite. I also ate pureed squash before, so I'll get some of that. I was thinking mashed sweet potato would be good as well. I wish I had a food processor. Maybe I could puree some canned peaches in my blender. A baked egg custard with cheese would work too. Like a boring crustless quiche. :P

I have no idea why I don't want any solid foods, specifically. I don't want anything frozen, like ice cream, either. And anything cooked that I eat has to be barely warm. It's so bizarre. It's totally boring. But if I even think about eating anything else my stomach turns. Even now it's kind of hard to get over the taste of eggs or the texture of oatmeal. But it's important for me to keep trying.

After a while I'll be able to get down a few more things. Cold pasta, cereal, salad (lettuce and dressing), most fruits, tuna salad. (now my stomach is turning) I'm glad I already have a good idea of how this is going to go. It took so much trial and error to figure this out before. I only ate like four things for weeks.

Tomorrow morning I have my meeting and will weigh in. If it's anywhere close to what I've been getting at home there will be a pretty big loss. And I already don't feel like I deserve it. I didn't earn it. Yes I started taking my medication again, which I needed to do for my health. But I never should have stopped taking it in the first place.

Why do I feel the need to feel bad about this? Someone who had gastric bypass wouldn't feel bad about it just because overeating, at least at first, isn't physically possible. Someone who lost weight going through chemo wouldn't feel bad about it. Hell, someone who had food poisoning and lost some weight wouldn't feel bad about it. What on earth is my problem?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Doing a little better

I had a few prolonged moments without nausea today. It's much easier to eat when I'm not feeling sick. I'm looking forward to being past this. I have been trying to "front load" my day and get lots of calories in earlier in the day, because half the time I have been too sick to eat in the evening. Today was the first day I was able to eat everything I had planned out, which is great.

I've been having a smoothie every morning with soy milk, a frozen banana, peanut butter, and protein powder. I'm getting kind of tired of it, but it's a really good combo for fat, protein, calcium and other nutrients. I also had chicken noodle soup, some saltines, banana pudding, applesauce, yogurt, and refried black beans with a little cheese. Jeremy finished all the taco sauce and didn't buy more though. Boo!

I'm still tracking points. I think it's very useful to see what I'm getting, what I need more of, and how much I'm eating, even though I'm not getting all 29 yet. I'm getting closer, and that makes me feel better.

Just got done watching The Biggest Loser and we're now watching The Voice. God, I love this show.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Horrible dreams

I had some really awful dreams last night. The first one was was truly terrifying. I dreamt that I woke up in my bed. There is a bay of windows right next to my bed, and I heard some clamoring outside. Then I saw the curtain blow inward, and I heard and felt the wind. Suddenly the curtain was ripped down and seconds later someone grabbed me and pulled me out of the window by my feet, really fast. It was too dark to see who/what it was. I couldn't get any sound out, but as soon as I managed to say something I woke up in a freaking panic.

Then at some point after I went to sleep I dreamed a woman brought a little blond girl, about seven, to my apartment and said she'd be back in a couple hours or so. The girl barely spoke. I fell asleep while waiting, and when I woke up she was still there, sleeping, and it was early the next morning. She woke up and I asked her what her name was. She said she didn't have a name. I asked her if that woman was her mother and she said no. I started to call the police, but then I decided I didn't want her to go back or to a foster home. I made her breakfast ( hot chocolate and Cocoa Puffs) and heard a knock at the door. This woman outside whispered to me like she was scared and said that I couldn't keep a child in the building and I'd better get rid of her fast. A minute later there was another knock at the door and it was another woman who came to take her away. I tried to slam the door and lock it but she kept trying to push her way in. I woke up before anything else happened.

I hate that I only remember the scary dreams.

Sunday, May 8, 2011


Why is it that when someone comments on my weight loss my first instinct is to deny it? "Oh. No, I weigh the same as before." At first I thought it was because I didn't work for it and thus did not feel like any compliments were deserved. It especially bothered me when people asked what I was doing.

But I still do it. It's almost like I'm embarrassed. I haven't told anyone I'm doing Weight Watchers. Maybe it's because I was always ok with how I looked. I believed in size acceptance. I believed that diets don't work. I believed that most people gain the weight back, usually more than before. I don't even know what I believe anymore. Honestly. Now I know many people who's health has dramatically improved from weight loss. Seemingly. Including my boyfriend. It could have just been from increase in activity. On the other hand, Jeremy may not be on insulin any more, but he still has complications. Bad ones.

It's not like I was ever vocal about it. I mean, who cares if I am re-examining my stance? Nobody knows. But I know. Am I just going to be another statistic and regain all the weight? Am I being irresponsible by encouraging other people to lose weight? I just don't know anymore.

Now I remember

Those of you who are just joining, this is what's been happening. Like a dumbass, I stopped taking my crazy pills for about a month. To the shock of no-one, I started cycling again. I also started having a hard time with overeating, which is almost always due to stress in some way.

I started taking them again, gradually ramping up the dose, like before. I gained a bunch of water weight from the lithium, which I have come to find out is normal but temporary. And then I added the lamictal back in. And I remembered why I lost so much weight the first time I took it. The side effects do not last forever, and over time they get much better, but it took a long time to be able to eat normally again.

Here's what happened the first time, and is now happening again: I feel nauseated all the time. I have stomach cramps all the time. It wakes me up at night and prevents me from getting to sleep. I don't throw up, but sometimes I wish I did. Realistically, it would not help.

I become averse to most foods. Smells make me sick. Even looking at food makes me sick. I get motion sickness from any kind of transportation. Everything I make myself eat makes me sicker for hours after eating it, even water. Because of this I find myself getting dehydrated. Anything I do eat has to be liquid or mushy and bland, and I can't eat large quantities. Anything else I can't even get down. It's freaking miserable.

Last time it went on for about a month, and then the nausea gradually started to go away for periods of time. I started being able to eat a wider variety of foods, including solids. By three or four months in I can eat anything I ate before, but my stomach shrinks and I can't eat a lot until I stretch it back out. I am praying that the side effects wear off faster this time.

Last time this happened I was broke, and since I never felt hungry I didn't really care. I barely ate. I didn't expect it to continue much longer anyway. After it had gone on for a month I started really worrying about my nutrition. I saw a nutritionist, and that helped. I now have the benefit of knowing what I should be eating, and I've started going to the gym again because weight bearing exercise will help prevent loss of muscle. I am also trying much harder to eat whenever I feel able. So I'm getting more in. Not alot, but much better than I did a couple years ago. I also know what kinds of foods I am able to eat for now, which I figured out through trial and error last time, and from the nutritionist's suggestions. I lost weight much too rapidly before, but since I weigh less and eat more now it shouldn't come off that quickly again. I don't want that. It's dangerous. It scared the crap out of me last time, because I didn't know if/when it would get better.

So the only thing I can do now is hang in there and get through it. Try my best to get a varied diet and get in calories where I can. Today I blended a banana with soy milk, peanut butter and protein powder for breakfast, and for lunch I made mashed potatoes, some whole milk pudding, and applesauce with cinnamon. I have split pea soup for dinner. I bought lots of canned soups with split peas, beans and lentils because I need to get a fair amount of sodium, and that gives me lots in one shot. Plus the protein and fiber is harder for me to get in general.

In other news, mother's day is pretty bittersweet in my household because my daughter isn't here. Jeremy never knew his mom, and the woman who raised him passed away. Most holidays are hard on him. He has no family.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Things I should feel good about

With the frustration of the recent weight gain I've been trying to keep reminding myself that in the grand scheme it's not that big of a deal. I actually have a lot to be proud of even if it's hard to see it sometimes.

Monday I went and did some metabolic and aerobic capacity testing that I had purchased through Living Social several months ago. I wound up hurting my back about a week after I purchased it so I just now got around to it. I found out my body fat percentage is now 27.2, down from god only knows what. But it's now within normal and acceptable ranges (typically 25-31%). I scored within the 70th percentile on the aerobic capacity test which means I'm quite a bit more physically fit than average. This is without having done any exercise besides walking in months too. So, I may be overweight still by a little bit, but I'm still in pretty good shape. That's something to be proud of. I also found out that I am actually nearly 5'3" when I have thought I was only 5'2". Not that I had anything to do with that, but it means I'm slightly less overweight than I thought. I think I'll change my goal weight by a few pounds to reflect that.

I should also feel good about the fact that I have kept off over 55 pounds for more than a year. I may have lost most (but not all) of it without specifically trying to, but keeping the weight off has been through quite a lot of effort on my part. I should also feel good about the fact that I have been taking the medications I need to function, even though they make me feel not so great for a while at first, and I get acne and dry skin. It's not easy to make myself sometimes, but I have seen how quickly things change for the worse when I stop taking them. I know it's something I need to do.

I didn't wait until the s--- hit the fan to start taking them again this time either. I'm doing better with getting back on track before things really go south. I'm recognizing small changes in my mood before they get to a dangerous place. I know I shouldn't stop taking my meds ever, and I will try to do better with that. It's too important.

And I don't feel like I shouldn't deserve any credit for losing the weight in the first place. I did feel that way for a long time. But I was taking care of my health by taking my medication, and sometimes taking care of your health results in weight loss. I had the choice not to take them, and at times I wanted to quit, but I didn't. I should feel good about that. I should be proud of what I've accomplished. My health and my fitness have improved in so many ways because I made the choice to take care of myself . That's no small accomplishment.

In other news, we've been working on getting the living room looking nice before my daughter gets here, since part of it will be sectioned off for her "room." I painted three of the four walls, and plan to do the last on on Sunday. It already looks so much cleaner and better. I also have to put in some carpet tiles. Right now there's just concrete and it's gross. We're also in need of a sofa since the dumb cats tore up the old futon, which was frankly really old and nasty anyway. We decided on one of these:
It's from Comfy Sack. I can't believe how inexpensive they are! We don't know what color we're getting yet. Jeremy ordered some fabric samples to look at. It's so cool though. I can't wait to get it. My daughter's going to go nuts over it, I'm sure. I'll be so happy when it's all done in there. I haven't wanted to have anyone over because it was just a total crap hole in there, plus there were all these boxes because there's no point in unpacking until the carpet is put in. I'd just have to move it all. I hung up some of my art collection on the walls I already painted, and it's starting to look like a real home now.

Thursday, May 5, 2011


I stayed within my points this week and counted EVERYTHING. I'm not really sure what's going on, but I suspect it has something to do with restarting my medication. I've been feeling unbelievably bloated, and it's a salt, so... I also have to maintain fairly high sodium levels in my diet while taking it to keep he levels from going toxic. It's hard not to get discouraged. I'm doing some reading. Trying to figure this out.

One thing I have found out is that the second drug I was taking before is associated with weight loss, and the bulk of the weight I lost was after I started taking both of them. So I think I will start back up on that one as well and see what happens.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Mixed results

I have been planning to stick pretty close to 29 points a day for a while and not use many of my weeklies or activity points, just to chsnge things up and get my weight moving. Yesterday I walked to the museum with Jeremy to see the Nick Cave exhibit, and after that we went home and started painting the livingroom.

I wound up finishing three of the four walls, and between that and the walking that was a LOT of physical activity. I was pretty hungry. Jeremy had bought some candy and a giant cookie and I wound up eating nearly all of both. I didn't feel like making dinner and we went to Qdoba, but at least I reigned it in there and got sokething lower in points. I'm making a commitment to keep my points lower for the rest of the week. I can do this.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

I've confirmed something I long suspected

My scale at home is not accurate. It fluctuates by over a pound for no good reason. I found this out at my weigh in today where I was expecting a loss but instead had a 0.8 lb gain. It wouldn't bother me as much if I had seen it coming. I put my home scale away, because it's no good to me right now. There's really no point in weighing at home if it's not at least consistent.

To make it all worse, I had some fillings this morning before the meeting, and this time when the novacaine wore off it HURT! My jaw, the tooth, my tongue, everything hurt. The dentist warned me it would, but I didn't think it would hurt that much. I got a cheeseburger from McDonald's right after the meeting since I was starved (I ate really early because my appointment was at 9am, and it took me a while to get there), and it was the most unpleasant unsatisfying cheeseburger ever. It just hurt to eat it, and my teeth were still covered in flouride paste (which made me sick to my stomach for a while too).

I did get my errands done. Got the painting supplies I needed, my prescriptions, did some grocery shopping. I even got in a (very expensive) haircut. But I wanted to cry the whole time because I was not feeling well and was hurting a lot. It was really cold and windy out too. I'm still cold. I just wanted to go home and get in bed. I had a lot of dishes to do though, and I had to make dinner, and then after dinner I had to go to another store to get the stuff they didn't have at the first store. I took some Aleve at least, which helped the pain. I made broccoli cheese soup for dinner, which was pretty good. I didn't blend it, but I cooked the broccoli very soft.

Now I'm laying in bed and some butthole is standing outside right by my window talking loudly on his phone. I hate my neighborhood.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Weigh in tomorrow

Tomorrow is a massively busy day. I have a dentist appointment at 9:00 AM for three more fillings. I have to pick up more painter's tape and roller tray liners. I have to go to my Weight Watcher's meeting. I have to refill my prescriptions. And I have to go grocery shopping. The best part is that none of the places I have to go are near each other. I'm going to be on the bus a lot tomorrow. I hope the weather is decent, since I will be walking quite a bit too, but right now the forecast is not looking great.

I am feeling good about the weigh in. I think I should have at least a small loss. I should feel better about it than I do. I'm starting to wonder when exactly I stop seeing myself as a fat person? I feel like I'm always going to be a fat person. I often feel like my goal weight is too high, even though it's a few pounds under the lowest weight I have ever maintained without starving myself. Even though just getting there is probably going to take me until the end of this year because it's just coming off so slowly. I know that part of it is the extra skin and fat that just isn't all going to go away. Even if I lost 30 or 40 more pounds, it will be there to some degree. I see pictures of women who have lost twice as much as me, and don't have that big hanging lump of fat on their arms. Soon it's going to be hot outside again, and I get to choose between burning up or being self conscious because my body parts don't "match." Yay.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Not good

I visited my friend last night. His wife of three months left him. I found out that she currently has a restraining order against him, and it's for domestic abuse. I was worried something like that would happen. He has schizophrenia and hasn't been seeing a doctor or taking medication. In addition, he's an alcoholic.

Since she left he has quit drinking and is seeing a doctor, which I am glad for. He wants her to come back, but honestly I think she's making the right decision by leaving. He has known for a long time he needs help. I'm sorry that it's taken this happening to get him to seek help.

On a positive note, my weight this morning was the lowest I have seen in 13 years! I'm hoping for a good weigh in on Thursday.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Lots of cooking

I've been doing lots of cooking lately. Yesterday I made a crustless quiche with turkey sausage, spinach, and smoked gouda. Today I have a lentil soup in the slow cooker with Tofurky beer brats, carrots, fennel and a bottle of Guinness. I also have a loaf of banana bread baking. I'm going to visit a friend this evening who's going through a rough time in life, and I made him a loaf of banana bread.

I'm still on plan with my eating. Jeremy took me to the Cheesecake Factory on Friday, and I used up half of my weeklies there. I used most of the rest of them yesterday, on Easter candy of course! I have four left as of today, but I usually get at least 2-3 activity points a day too. I've decided to switch my weigh in day back to Thursdays since I won't be working during that meeting at all. It's a lot harder getting through the weekend when I weigh in on Mondays. I just didn't do very well.

I talked to my daughter yesterday, and realized I only have one more month until she arrives! I still have to finish painting and putting carpet tile into the living room, and set up her bedroom area.

Friday, April 22, 2011


Not only did I have a loss today, but it was a 1.8 lb loss! So, not only did I lose the one pound I gained last week, but an additional 0.8! I'm back on the right track and my eating has been much better.

smoked salmon chowder

I made smoked salmon chowder for lunch. Jeremy hates salmon, so I made a smaller batch. It makes 5 cups and the whole pot is 17 points.

3 cups water
1 extra large chicken boullion cube (or 2 regular ones)
1 1/2 lbs yukon gold potatoes, cubed
1 medium carrot, sliced
1/4 cup frozen corn
1/2 tsp black pepper
4 oz. smoked salmon
1 T corn starch
1/2 c half and half
1 T dried minced onion

Bring water, boullion, onions and pepper to boil. Add potatoes, carrots, corn, and smoked salmon torn into small pieces. Boil until potatoes and carrots are tender. Mix corn starch with a small amount of water and add to pot. Remove from heat and add half and half.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

On a soup kick

I've never been much of a cook, but the few things I know how to make I do make well. I am happy to say that I have finally nailed making soup. It's something that has been very hit or miss for me in the past, but I think I finally know what I'm doing. Generally speaking, I do not do recipes. Not unless I'm baking. This is sort of my downfall, but sometimes it works in my favor when things turn out well. I think it's maybe because I'm picky and only like certain foods combined with certain other foods, so it's hard to find recipes that work for me. I don't know. I also like to keep recipes pretty simple. More than 6 or 7 ingredients is just too many. I have almost no counter space for preparation. I watch a lot of those cooking challenge shows, like Chopped and Iron Chef, and I really think I'm becoming a better cook just from watching them and picking up little tricks and hints.

I have all kinds of soups planned for the next week. Tomorrow I'm making smoked salmon chowder with potatoes, corn, and carrots. I'm also planning a broccoli cheese soup, and a lentil soup with veggie beer brats, dark beer, and fennel. I have to see if we have a crock pot somewhere. Jeremy thinks we might have one, but he's not sure. I seem to remember it being in the cabinet by the fridge. Hmmm...

I went back to the dentist today and got four more fillings. It was initially painful when the novacaine wore off, but it's much better now. I think I might actually have a loss at the weigh in tomorrow. That would be nice.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Goat cheese, leek and potato soup

This wound up at 28 points plus for the whole pot, which is about 10-11 cups total.

Potato, leek and goat cheese soup

1 1/2 lbs yukon gold potatoes
2 leeks
6 cups water
3 extra large chicken boullion cubes (or 6 regular ones)
1/2 tsp black pepper
1/2 cup half and half
4 oz goat cheese

Combine water, boullion cubes and black pepper in a pot and bring to a boil. Cut potatoes and leeks into large chunks and add to pot. Boil until soft. Reduce to medium-low heat and remove the potatoes and leeks from the pot and add to the blender with about a cup of the liquid. Blend on high until smooth. Pour the blended veggies back into the pot. Add half and half and soft goat cheese cut into chunks. Whisk until goat cheese is melted and well incorporated.

Figured something out

I realized something last night. While I was in Alaska I stopped taking my mood stabilizers. I felt they were making my overactive bladder worse, and it had gotten so bad I couldn't sleep. I planned to start up again once the symptoms were well controlled, but it took me a while. I waited about three weeks, until I started to notice I was cycling again.

My plan was to gradually increase my doses so it would be less of a shock to my system. I've been taking a very low dose for the last week.

I realized that ever since I quit taking it I have been struggling massively with wanting to eat all the time. It kind of makes sense there would be a connection since the meds were responsible for the majority of my weight loss to begin with.

I increased my dose today. I think once I am back to my full dose it will help a lot. I need to be better about taking it consistently too, because there is a difference in my eating when I forget a lot of doses.

I have been on plan since Sunday, though not without difficulty. The fact that my mouth has been sore/sensitive was probably my saving grace. My morning weigh-ins have not been great. It may take a while to undo the damage I've done. Right now I will be happy if I don't have another gain at my next weigh in. I am going to weigh in friday since I am off that day and I have a dentist appointment tomorrow.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Friend Makin' Monday- The Grociery Store

If you have never done FMM before, check out All The Weigh for the rules.

1. Do you make a list when you go grocery shopping? Do you stick to it? I rarely make lists, but when I do I usually stick to them. If I make a list it's because I am making something specific, or because I'm on a limited budget.

2. Do you buy more groceries when you're hungry? Yes. I actually avoid shopping when I am stuffed or not feeling well because I come home with practically nothing.

3. Coupons. Use 'em? Pretty much never. Sometimes I get the ones that print out at the register. If it's for something free I usually redeem it.

4. Have you ever complained to the manager of your grocery store? Can't think of a time I have.

5. Do you like to buy groceries at huge chain stores like Wal-Mart and Target? Or do you shop exclusively at food stores? I'm not anywhere close to a Wal-mart or Target. I shop mainly at Safeway, QFC, Trader Joe's, and Grocery Outlet. Sometimes I got to Cash 'N Carry for certain things too.

6. How much time do you spend reading labels in the grocery store? I look at the labels of anything I haven't bought before.

7. Do you push your own grocery cart to the car and return it? I don't have a car.

8. What is the one food item you always buy at the grocery store that you must have in the kitchen? Bananas, light soy milk, and frozen fruit.

9. Do you enjoy grocery shopping? Not really. I hate going when it's busy.

10. How often do you shop for groceries? Almost every day. I can't carry a whole lot at a time, and I like my produce to be pretty fresh.

Went to the dentist

The first dentist I called asked if I could come in immediately, so I did. They were pretty close too. About two miles, which is walkable, but I took the bus so I could get there quicker. He basically just filled the tooth. He said it would need a crown at some point in the future but he wants to let the nerves heal first. I am going back in Thursday for a cleaning and some more fillings. I've been neglecting my teeth badly, so it's kind of a relief to just be getting stuff done, even though it's too damn expensive.

I still can't feel half of my mouth from the novacaine. I haven't eaten any solid food since I broke the tooth. I made a pureed veggie and cheese soup last night for dinner that turned out really good.

zucchini, cauliflower, and cheese soup

I just threw together some stuff I had in the fridge. It has 30 points for the whole recipe and makes around 9-10 cups, so one cup is about 3 points.

1 medium zucchini
2 cups raw cauliflower
6 cups prepared chicken boullion or chicken broth
2 T dried minced onion
1 T ground sage
1 t black pepper
1 cup half and half
4 .75 oz slices 2% American cheese
1 cup shredded 2% cheese (any kind)
2 T corn starch

Add together six cups of water and boullion (or chicken broth), minced onion, ground sage and black pepper and bring to a boil. Add coarsely chopped veggies. Boil for about 5-7 minutes until veggies are cooked soft. Turn heat to medium low and place veggies plus about one cup of liquid into a blender. Blend on high until smooth. Return blended veggies to the pot. Add half and half and stir. Tear American cheese into smaller pieces and add to the pot and stir until melted. Add shredded cheese and stir until melted. Mix corn starch with a little water to make a paste and stir into the soup until well blended. Continue cooking on low heat until the soup thickens a little.

Don't add any salt to it because between the boullion and the cheese it's a bit salty already. If you want it less salty I'd use a little less boullion, or use low sodium chicken broth instead.

Jeremy suggested using the same base to make potato leek soup. I had the idea of adding goat cheese to it. Maybe we'll pick up some leeks and potatoes tonight and make it.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Yesterday kind of sucked

Not all of it, but enough of it. First, we took the bus to the art museum, only to find that they had just closed. Ok, lame, but we can go back. We still had three hours till the Bryan Adams concert, so we took the bus back home.

Then, half an hour before we had to leave again I sat/fell sort of awkwardly onto the bed. The skirt of my brand new dress, a gift from my boyfriend and the only one I have that fits, got pinned under me somehow and pulled too tight. As I sat down it tore. Not on the seam either. The fabric is pretty thin and it just ripped, about two inches. It wasn't fixable. I started crying at this point. I never even got to wear it.

I changed into something else and we went to the concert. The concert was good, and nothing went wrong there. After the concert I just wanted fattening food. We went to one of my favorite Mexican restaurants and had dinner, drinks, and dessert. It was good, even though it may not have been the best decision. But when I've had an upsetting day, those compulsions are strong.

I stopped on the way home and got some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream (yes, I was still upset). I was about a quarter cup into it when I felt something in there thst was hard, like a pebble, but with the chocolate chips I wasn't able to locate it, and it got swallowed. Then something on the left side of my mouth felt weird. I ran my tongue over it and went and looked in the mirror. Half of one of my molars was gone. I put the ice cream away immediately. It doesn't hurt but it feels really nervy. I'm kind of afraid to eat right now.

I have dental insurance through my boyfriend's work. He's going to get info for me so I can find a dentist. I just don't have the money for this right now. I don't even know what they do for that.

I have also found out over the last few days that intermittant fasting does NOT work for me. I never really felt hungry, but just knowing I couldn't eat made me obsess about food, and I wound up binging worse than I ever used to. I'm going to have to try something else.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Weigh in

Just a quick check in. I did have a one pound gain today. I have a strategy for taking that pound back off and busting through this plateau though. I hope it works.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Aww man.

We set "Addicted to Food" to record last night, but for some reason it did not record. Lame. It's on again at 3am. I'm not staying up that late, but we set it to record again. I'm not sure how I feel about the show yet, but it seems interesting. It's a very different approach than, say, The Biggest Loser.

I am 99% sure I will have a gain tomorrow in my weigh in. It was going to happen eventually. Every ten pounds I hit a sticking point in the same place, and I'm pretty sure it's happening now. Last time I got through the plateau by cutting my calories drastically for a week, which may not have been the best method. I don't know. The time before that it was a stomach flu, after which I didn't regain the weight. I'm not sure if I should stay the course and hope for the best, or if I should try something different this time. I'm looking into options.

I'm thinking about maybe trying intermittent fasting, which is not as extreme as it sounds. One method is just skipping meals occasionally if you don't feel hungry. Another is to only eat during a shorter window during the day, like 6 or 8 hours. And it's only long enough to break the plateau. After that you go back to your usual plan. I'm mulling it over.

Getting a pedicure

I'm actually getting one right now. I work at a nail salon, so that's one of the only really good perks I get. It's s-l-o-w right now, so I'm finally getting my feet done. For the first time since January. She is painting them a soft turquoise color. I am planning to wear open toed white shoes to the concert this Saturday, and it should look pretty cute.

I'm going to go to the meeting tomorrow and weigh in. I have been fairly good with eating for the last few days. I have not used any weekly points, but I've used all my activity points.

I brought a chicken salad sandwich, two clementines, a low carb yogurt, some Jell-O, dried peaches, and a tablespoon of chocolate chips with me today. For dinner I am making chicken Caesar salad. I need to go to the grocery store badly.

Monday, April 11, 2011


My sweetie surprised me today with a new dress he ordered from Delia's . I get the catalogs in the mail. We have tickets to see Bryan Adams this Saturday that he got me for Valentine's day, and I am planning to wear it then. This is the dress. I wish I looked this good in it, but it fits just right and is cute:

Here's a photo of the Jell-O I made with lemon pudding mix in the bottom layer. Not the best photo, what with the cat sniffing it and all, but it's really good, especially with a good sized dollop of whipped topping on it.

Joey is sniffing my Jell-O

I also found some Mio at Safeway which I have been wanting to try. I got the strawberry watermelon. It's really good. It doesn't have that artificial aftertaste to it at all. I want to try it in Diet 7-Up sometime. It was on sale for $3.49 and you get a good sized bottle for that.

I didn't eat much earlier today because of the stomach cramps. I wound up with 29 points, which included a smoothie I made with soy milk, orange cream sherbet, a banana, and frozen peaches in order to get in a few extra points, a dairy serving, and some fruit servings. I need to plan out tomorrow's food. I have no idea what to make. We have cod and pre-cooked chicken strips in the freezer, and virtually no veggies. I'll have to stop at the store tomorrow after work. I can take a sandwich, some Jell-O, and some clementines for lunch I guess, and do a smoothie for breakfast. I have to be at work at 11, so I probably won't much feel like getting up early to make pancakes and sausage.

Super crampy

Not like period cramps this time. That's finally over. Just bad abdominal cramping. Really bad. I'm laying down with a heating pad, and that helps. I think I'll just go to Thursday's meeting and weigh in.

I would not have lost today. I think I'd have wound up with a small gain. I've hit what I know to be a plateau point for me. I think I will have to be more diligent this week with tracking, not taking bites of things and tastes unless I track it, maybe not use up each and every point. I'm going to need to work at breaking this plateau. They keep getting harder and harder.

I wound up scrubbing the floor, fridge, stove, and cabinets in the kitchen last night. Both because it needed to be done badly and to earn some more activity points to make up for some chips of Jeremy's I had finished.

My doctor called and got everything cleared up. She said she'd fax the form back to Aflac. Now I just get to wait. I should be getting the first check they sent today, or tomorrow at the latest.

Jeremy has the rest of the day off because someone on his team at work died this weekend. He worked from home, and Jeremy has been there less than a year, so Jeremy didn't really know him, but a lot of other people did so most of them had called in or left early anyway.

My mom gave me some black peony poppy seeds she had collected from the yard. I put up 1/4 tsp of them on Listia.com and got 474 credits for them! I really need a new usb drive, and they come up on there a lot, so that will help. I'm keeping an eye out for pants I can wear to work too. I have three pairs right now. One has holes and one is too big.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Hanging in there

I have zero weekly points left, and one more day before weigh in. I work tomorrow, which mean I should get at least 2 activity points walking to and from the bus stop.

I made a crustless quiche tonight with broccoli, cheese, and turkey sausage. It turned out pretty good. You can tell it's made to be a little lower in fat, but it has good flavor and it's not too low in fat. I ate a quarter of it and Jeremy ate half. I'm having the rest of it for lunch tomorrow with some clementines.

I also made up another layered Jell-O and I can't wait to try it. I used two boxes of sugar free cherry Jell-O and the first layer also has a box of lemon sugar free pudding mix blended in. I smells just like cherry lemonade from Hot Dog On A Stick! You can have quite a lot of it for one point too. I'll have to post some pictures tomorrow, because it's a really pretty color. :)

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Today was not a great day

Let's just say I have 8 weekly points left, and I used half of my weekly points today. I tracked everything, and this week is far from a lost cause. I have 3 days left till weigh in and there is even a little wiggle room left, so I am going to be ok. The numbers on the scale look less than encouraging right now, but I know that I can eat every single weekly point and activity point I get and still lose a little, so I am just going to relax, finish out my week on plan, and not worry about it. Even if I don't have a loss on Monday it will be ok.

I know that stress eating was behind this. My day did not go well. I didn't get to sleep until pretty late last night, and the cats were being assholes all morning and waking me up. When I finally got up I had three people texting me at once. I was rushing around because my ex boyfriend was on is way over to pick up an aquarium from me that he decided he needed asap and I hadn't eaten and was still in pajamas. I had to run to the drug store for something and it was still raining and cold.

When I got back I called Aflac about the missing money and it turned out that both my employer and my doctor had filled out their forms incorrectly. They said I could have them correct the parts that needed changed and fax them back in but since I had all the originals in my possession this was not going to be a picnic. I'm just going to have my manager fix hers tomorrow since I will be there anyway, and my home location is an hour away (I work both in downtown Seattle, which I can walk to, and in Bellevue, which is across the bridge on the east side, but the Bellevue location is considered my home location and that manager is the one who deals with all my paperwork). My doctor's office said to fax it in with instructions, so I had to walk half a mile to a copy shop and pay to fax it.

A nurse called me back two hours later and told me that my doctor was out of town and she had not left any notes in my file indicating that I was released to only work part time, but she would have her call me first thing Monday morning to get it sorted. Aflac had said that they would have to call my employer and doctor to verify the corrections, which will hold things up further. Basically this means it's going to be about two more weeks before I get the rest of my money.

I then remembered around 5pm that I had forgotten to thaw out some chicken for dinner. Jeremy wound up paying for Subway for both of us. I didn't get some things done that I wanted to do today, I'm super stressed over money, I owe 150$ on my taxes and I'm going to have to pay 50$ to set up a payment plan because there is no way I will have the money by then to just pay it, plus I am 20$ short of my next Weight Watchers payment, and it's coming out in a few days, so I will very likely have to borrow from my boyfriend for that. We are also running out of food and I can't buy any more right now, so he has to buy that too in addition to paying pretty much all of the bills. Even if I were getting my Aflac and everything on time, my huge priority is getting child support paid, and buying her plane ticket to come down for the summer which has to be done soon.

I also have this mysterious rash on my face that won't go away. I have no idea what's causing it and it's gross.

I am just feeling very pulled in every direction right now, and that the one thing I am doing to contribute until I am making a decent income again (make the damn dinner) I managed to mess up. One good thing about that is that Jeremy has given his blessing for me to use Dreamfield's pasta when I make dinner. It's hard for me to come up with low carb stuff we both like every night without constantly eating the same things (which is not a situation for me as I am much more likely to toss up my hands and say "screw it" if what I have planned for dinner really doesn't sound appetizing). This option gives me some much needed flexibility. I only use 1 oz for each serving (about a half a cup cooked) but it's enough to really bulk up a bowl of protein and veggies and make it seem more filling and substantial.

I used some last night in our dinner and it turned out soooo good.

shrimp, zucchini, pasta, goat cheese and mozzarella

I sauteed 6 oz of peeled shrimp and a sliced medium zucchini in 2 tsp of canola oil. Then while it was still warm I added in 2 oz of herbed goat cheese from Trader Joe's and just stirred it around till the cheese melted and coated everything nicely. Last I added in a cup of cooked pasta and a quarter cup of shredded mozzarella and tossed it together. Half of the recipe is 9 points plus, and it tasted really indulgent, like something that should be much pointier. It was a good amount of food too. Probably about a cup and a half for each serving.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Birthday Jell-O

Today was my boyfriend's 35th birthday. He likes penguins and has a large collection of them. So I made him a penguin birthday Jell-O.

Jeremy's birthday penguin jello

Jeremy's birthday penguin jello

I used sugar free peach flavored Jell-O which I made teal colored with food coloring. You can't see from the pictures, but it has a bottom creamy layer made by mixing vanilla instant pudding mix into the first Jell-O layer. The second layer is plain. I decorated it with gummy penguins and light Cool Whip. It was actually pretty good. We're too broke to do anything for his birthday, but we may go to the Seattle Art Museum this Saturday for the current special exhibit since we both have memberships and admission is free with that. It depends on if he's feeling up to it though.

I did a little better with snacking at work today. I did have a handful of chili caramel corn and three mini candy canes, but much better than yesterday. I'm off work tomorrow but I have lots to do. I just called Aflac's automated line, and it said they sent out my check for the temp disability (I still get a lesser amount while working part time) but it's for a stupidly low amount. So I'm trying not to stress out about it until I talk to them, but I REALLY need that money. My next paycheck isn't until the 13th, and it will mostly be eaten up by a month's worth of insurance premiums.

Today = tons of random candy

I kind of hate that there is always candy at work. When it's slow and I have nothing to do it's hard to leave it alone. Today I ate 3 Dove miniatures, 6 mini candy canes, 5 big malt balls, and a small handful of caramel corn with chili in it (kind of neat) for a total of 8 points. I had two pumpkin brownies instead of one after dinner too. Otherwise I ate everything else I had planned exactly, so I got in all my good health guidelines and had 8 servings of fruits and vegetables total, which is awesome. To be fair, I started getting cramps at work. I was feeling crabby, and it was hard being there. All told, it wasn't too bad. I earned 3 activity points today, walking to and from work, and I used 8 of my weekly points.

One good thing was that about an hour after dessert I really wanted something else sweet. I thought about the rest of that tube of cookie dough in the fridge that I really should just throw out. It was tough to not go cut off a chunk. It sounded so good. But I recognized that I was plenty full, had had enough junk food today, and had no need for it. I stayed strong and didn't eat anything else except a glass of Crystal Light. I feel really good for resisting that urge, because I have been having a damn hard time of it lately.

I need a game plan though, since I work at that location 2 days a week. First, I need to stay away from the chocolates. Those are 1 point EACH! They eat up my weeklies so much faster. I could have had nine miniature candy canes for the same 3 points that I used on those chocolates. Maybe there is something else I can bring that is lower points and tastes good that I can pick at throughout the day instead. I have a bag of chocolate chips in the cupboard. 1 tablespoon is 2 pts. Maybe if I kept a little container in my locker with 1 or 2 tablespoons in it, and just eat one at a time when I feel like having a bit of chocolate... At least then the points wouldn't rack up quite so fast.

My boyfriend Jeremy's birthday is tomorrow. He is turning 35. We're not doing anything tomorrow, but I'm making a nice dinner and a birthday dessert. I started making it tonight, and it's a rather disconcerting shade of blue. Muh-ha-ha-ha! I will definitely post pictures tomorrow.

Here's part of my breakfast for today. Two turkey sausages and two basted eggs. I cut one egg open to show off the purty yellow yolk :P
Basted eggs and turkey sausages

Here's my dinner, chicken and veggie stir fry with brown rice:
Chicken, broccoli, pepper stir fry and brown rice

Here is what I have planned for tomorrow so far-

smoothie with light soy milk, banana, and frozen mango - 1 pt
2 turkey sausages - 2 pts
1 packet of blueberry protein pancake mix cooked with 1 tsp canola oil - 3 pts
(I buy the mixes here and they are really good. I like the Protidiet brand.)
1 T sugar free syrup - 0 pt
4 gummy kids vitamins - 1 pt

low carb yogurt - 2 pt
1 cup strawberries - 0 pt
1 clementine - 0 pt
2 Wasa light rye crackers - 1 pt
2 light Laughing Cow cheese wedges - 2 pt

shrimp and pasta bake with mozzarella, goat cheese and zucchini - 8 pt
(He's letting me use a little bit of the Dreamfields pasta with dinner! Yay! I hope this turns into a regular thing)

secret mystery blue birthday dessert - 3 pt

I still have at least 6 points to use up, but I'm not sure what to use it on yet. Probably some kind of snacks for work.