Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Spinning my wheels

I cannot seem to get it together. I start out the day planning to eat healthy but then I just completely dissolve, sometimes before lunch even. I feel horrible. My whole body aches. I am bloated beyond belief, and some of my pants are too tight. The ones that were previously loose, most of them just fit now. For every time I turn down the opportunity for junk food, or even just choose something lower in calories, there are three more times that I just plain don't. I know a lot of this is only water weight, but I also know some of it definitely is not. I am not sure why it has suddenly become SO much harder. I don't know how to fix it. I am even trying to make baby steps (not count points but try to eat more produce and limit junk food) and even then I am failing. I feel very out of control right now, and I'm not happy.

In other news I am looking into making a career change in the next few years. Possibly sooner. I have been a manicurist for 7 years. Though I like it, it is physically taxing. It's getting harder on my back. I'm tired of being in pain by the end of the day half the time. I had thought about doing floral design before but I had a client once who did that, and I decided against it. She said she loved her job but it's also very physically demanding. Her hands were also very rough and calloused from work, and that would drive me totally nuts. I am now thinking about body piercing. I guess you just have to do an apprenticeship here and then apply for your license. I am not all that keen on another student loan (just throw it onto the pile with the other two!) so that appeals to me, and I'd even make at least a small income while training.

I like working one on one with people, and I think I'd be fine with stabbing people with needles. I also gauged my ears out to a 0ga at one point, and have some experience with that. I let the holes shrink back to a six after a few years. Otherwise I have no other piercings, but there are a few I wouldn't mind getting. I don't exactly fit the image of someone who works in the body art field though. I have one small tattoo that is usually covered by my clothing, and have no interest in piercing anything other than my ears. Actually I think snake bites look kind of cool, but only if you are under 25. Lol. And I know my boyfriend would hate it if I did that. It's not really me.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Must... resist... cheesecake

Ok, so last night I ate lots of those damn chocolate crisp cookies we got at IKEA two weeks ago. I had been doing a good job at ignoring them in the top of my closet, but once I had one... well there's something very addictive about them.

I had 11 weekly points left as of this morning. I had a homemade smoothie and on the way to work I stopped and got a donut. Because I had the points for one and it's been months since I had one. And thennnnnn... I got to work. And there was almost an entire cheesecake left over from a pot luck they had had yesterday when I was off. One that has a couple slices each of six different flavors. I ate one and a half pieces. I almost had one more. I am not going to let myself do it. It's not worth it. I can handle this.

I ate my lunch including a big bowl of fresh pineapple and green and red grapes. I am stuffed now and eating cheesecake at this point would just make me suffer. Gotta stand firm and be strong. I'm bigger than a grocery store cheesecake.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Quick update

I did my weigh in on Thursday. I have gained 2.2 lbs since my last weigh in at weight watchers, which I expected. I seem to still be dropping some water weight from all the poor eating though. I have been staying on plan well since switching to maintenance. I think I will stay on it a while longer. Until I feel I have some control back.

Tomorrow I get to spend the day ripping up about a dozen carpet tiles and redoing them. We discovered  that my daughter had been dragging the trampoline around the room and the feet left big black marks that will not come out at all. There are even marks where it was just sitting there so we are getting rid of the trampoline. It's too big for this space anyway.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Rethinking things

Things have just been really damn hard. I knew the summer would be difficult, but I didn't realize exactly how difficult it would be. Last summer I literally ate whatever I wanted and I maintained my weight of 160ish the whole time. Fast food, candy, huge Slurpees, mac and cheese and hot dogs for dinner.It's not that I want to necessarily eat the same way now, but I find myself feeling very deprived. I find myself indulging far more often than I can if I want to lose weight. An extra enchilada here. A scoop of frozen custard there. In addition the dinners I am making are much more starch heavy than usual because it's cheaper and my food budget doubles in the summer months with my daughter here.

I've decided that I just don't want to spend the time going to WW meetings until she goes back home to her dad's. I want to spend all the time I can with her. I called his morning and temporarily changed to e-tools only. I will weigh in at home on the same day, in the same clothes. I need to start doing that again. Seeing the patterns on a graph makes a difference to me.
I have also, for now, changed the settings in my e-tools for maintenance. I may not leave it there, but for now I need a break and I want to at least maintain where I'm at. I think I should start keeping track of my activity points again as well. I had stopped doing that for a while. I get a lot more activity in the summer too.

Right now I'm just going to take it one day at a time and see how it goes. My main concern at this time is to NOT regain the weight.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

ABCs of food

I stole this from The Tortoise's blog. I thought it was kind of fun. :)

A: is for Apple, what's your favorite variety?
Honey Crisp. Wish they weren't so expensive.

B: is for Bread, regardless of nutrition, calories, or whole grains what is your favorite type to have a nice big piece of?

C: is for Cereal what is your favorite kind currently (just one!)
Spoon Size Shredded Wheat is my long time favorite.

D: is for Doughnuts, you might not currently be eating them but what kind do you fancy?
I love doughnuts and still get them sometimes. Lemon jelly filled is the best.

E: is for Eggs, how would you like yours prepared?
Scrambled with melted cheese on top or basted. To baste an egg you can either spoon bacon fat over the top to cook the top, or steam it. I steam mine. You cook it just like a sunny side up egg and for the last minute or two you add a little water to the skillet and cover it. This cooks the egg white on to of the yolk without cooking the yolk too much, and it's nice and runny but no slimy whites. I will also ONLY eat scrambled eggs if I make them. They have to be made just right.

F: is for Fat Free, what is your favorite fat free product?
I don't like anything that should have fat and doesn't. Some low fat things are ok though, like mayo, yogurt, ice cream, and certain cheeses.

G: is for Groceries, where do you purchase yours at?
QFC, Safeway, Trader Joe's and Grocery Outlet. Very occasionally Whole Foods.

H: is for Hot Beverages, what is your favorite hot drink?
Mulled cider

I: is for Ice Cream, pick a favorite flavor and add a fun topping.
Haagen Dazs white chocolate raspberry truffle. I wouldn't add a topping but it's awesome with a slice of red velvet cake.

J: is for Jams or Jellies, do you eat them, and if so what kind and flavor?
Sugar free strawberry.

K: is for Kashi, name your favorite Kashi product?
The Go Lean cereal is pretty good.

L: is for Lunch, what was yours today?
A sliced apple and a pizza quesadilla. A tortilla filled with mozzarella, a few pepperonis and grilled in olive oil, served with warm marinara to dip it.

M: is for microwave, what is your favorite microwave meal/snack?
Microwaving ruins a lot of foods for me. Those Smart Ones sundaes are really good. You only micro them for like 5 seconds though.

N: is for nutrients, do you like carbs, fats, or proteins best?
Carbs and fat together.

O: is for oil, what kind do you like to use?
Canola. EVOO has a strong flavor. Too strong for anything not Italian or Greek in nature.

P: is for protein, how do you get yours?
A lot of it from protein powder. The rest from dairy and beans mostly.

Q: is for Quaker, how do you like your oats?
Instant oatmeal. Flavored ones.

R: is for roasting, what is your favorite thing to roast?
I don't think I have roasted anything in my entire adult life.

S: is for sandwich, what’s your favorite kind?
Egg salad on wheat with lettuce and tomato.

T: is for travel, how do you handle eating while traveling?
I kind of eat what I want and just try to maintain till I get back.

U: is for unique, what is one of your weirdest food combos?
I'm pretty well known for having rigid ideas about what foods belong together.

V: is for vitamins, what kind do you take?
I take kids gummy vitamins.

W: is for wasabi, yay or nay?
It's ok. Wasabi almonds are awesome.

X: is for X-RAY. If we x-rayed your belly right now, what food would we see?
Once piece of frozen pizza, two small boneless BBQ wings, and some grapefruit juice.

Y: is for youth, what food reminds you of your childhood?
Vanilla yogurt with sliced bananas, Mrs. Grass noodle soup, raw rhubarb and chives.

Z: is for zucchini, how do you prepare it?
Cut it lengthwise, put a little olive oil on top and sprinkle with parmesan cheese. Bake for about 15. I also like it a lot in pasta dishes.

Kind of a frustrating day

I ordered a poster of a Salvador Dali painting for my daughter's room, and picked it up from the post office today, but when I opened it the poster was bent in the middle. There was no damage at all to the shipping tube either, so it must have been mailed out like that. I called the site and left two messages but they never called back. I just emailed them, so hopefully they will send out a replacement soon. On top of that the intake on the vacuum is clogged and it doesn't work at all. I can't get it unclogged.

I didn't go to the weigh in or meeting today either. I was just feeling lazy. There would have been around a two pound gain. On the plus side I have not overeaten yesterday or today. I bought one of those frozen pizzas that comes with boneless BBQ wings for my daughter and boyfriend since I work late Thursdays. When I got home I just had one piece of pizza and two small wings with a small glass of grapefruit juice, and it was enough. I'm still good and full. I thought about having a freezer pop since they are only one point, but I realized I didn't need it or really want it even, so I didn't have one this time. I have been brushing my teeth after I finish eating for the day, and I always thought it was silly (Like anything could stop me from eating. Ha!) but it seems to help.

I came to the realization the other day that the reason I want to lose more weight is almost entirely for my boyfriend. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. It's not like he has ever said anything about wanting me to lose weight, but he likes putting his hands on my waist and saying stuff about how tiny I am. I can tell he likes it. He says he likes that I have hips. He says he likes that he can pick me up. He said that he likes being seen with me in public because people assume that he's either rich or has a big dick (he also says that neither is true). I think he has a skewed perception of what he looks like though. I think he's very attractive. He thinks I am way out of his league. I think having a girlfriend who is smaller than him is still a novelty for him.

His ex wife literally weighs twice as much as me, and she's very apple shaped. Even though they are friends, I know he secretly enjoys that she is a little bothered by him dating a much smaller woman, and she has accused him of divorcing her because she was fat. He says this isn't true at all. He said that he was never bothered by her weight, just that she complained about it all the time and never tried to change it.

He told me that he wouldn't love me any less if I were bigger. I've lost over 30 lbs since I met him, and the picture on my dating profile were all at my highest weight when he first wrote to me. So I don't doubt that that is true. But it's also obvious to me that he gets something out of me being more conventionally attractive. And I really like the approval I get from him. I want more of it. I'm just not sure that this is a healthy reason to lose weight at all.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Messed up so bad last night

I ate like seven cookies and two pop tarts after dinner. I need to revise my strategy. I'm not even on my period so I can't blame that. Well, it's a new month and I can make a new start. I can do this.