Struggling. Big time.

I have just been having the hardest time getting my eating under control. I think it just boils down to being busy, being stressed, and having my daughter here. When she is here I tend to eat out more, have more snacks and desserts, etc. As of yesterday I was almost four pounds up from my last weigh in. I stayed within my points yesterday and this morning I was a pound and a half down from that. My goal this week is to have as small of a gain as I can.

Yesterday Jeremy and I hung up curtain track from the ceiling around my daughter's "room." We have an odd assortment of curtains hanging there now. Next time I get paid I'll buy matching ones. Two of the curtains there right now are black and we like how that looks, so we're planning on black ones.

Missing in action

So, I haven't been tracking this week so far. With my daughter coming soon, and my nausea pretty much gone, I decided I wanted to get back into eating normal food. I decided to start with foods I like under almost all circumstances. I had some pizza, some BBQ chicken, and some ice cream. I know I used up my weekly points on Friday, and went over again on Saturday. Sunday I did well until Jeremy brought home a pint of Ben and Jerry's which I ate about a third of. Today I did not keep track of points, but I did better. I bought some fudgesicles, because they are 100 calories each and I know I will only eat one or two at the most. I am planning to track tomorrow and keep things in line.

I've decided to wait until next week to weigh in and go to the meeting. My daughter gets in late Wednesday night, and I work Thursday evening. I want to have time to do things with her. I'm going to do my best to stay on track so I have a loss when I weigh in next week. So far I have only seen a pretty manageable gain from the weekend, so it should be more than possible.


I've also not been wanting to cook because I have had lots of work to do in the apartment. I got the carpet all done, the painting all done. I had to go buy new screws to put my table together, which was awesome because I had no idea what kind they were, but the ones I bought were just right. I cleaned the whole bathroom and kitchen. Never underestimate how gross a couple of cats and a guy can make these rooms. I don't even understand how it's possible. I had to completely clean the entertainment center and his desk too. Like they had never been cleaned. Ever. So. Disgusting. The horrible thing is that I cleaned his desk thoroughly about six months ago.

I've also been putting in finishing touches like the metal strip between the carpet and the laminate flooring in the hallway. Yeah, that's a lot harder than you'd think. I also had paint all over my vinyl chairs (I sometimes paint as a hobby). I bought some solvent to remove the paint and spent about an hour scrubbing the paint off while talking to my dad and then my daughter on speaker phone. My hands are super dry from the solvent now. It's looking REALLY good in here though and it's worth the work.

I know my daughter doesn't care if there are paint drips on the chairs, but it matters to me. I was looking at dinettes online today thinking I'd like to get a new one in a couple years. The one I really like, the Eero Saarinen set, is over four grand. I didn't really see anything else that I liked more than what I currently have. I figured reupholstering the chairs would be cheaper. But when I started looking at upholstery shop sites they didn't have any vinyl colors even close to what I have. And I want the same color. So I decided to bite the bullet and clean them off. I have had that set for 6 years, and I really love it. I shipped it here from Alaska when I moved. Some of the chairs have small rips and damage, and one of the legs is a bit bent, but I need to hang onto them a little longer. Complete sets are not easy to find. Especially in dark pink.

I kind of have to admit that I am starting to resent the fact that I'm the one doing almost all of the work. Especially the gross cleaning duty. I know that his low vision would prevent him from doing a thorough job anyway, but he could at least wipe up the counters and the stove after using them, and wipe his desk off after he eats there. Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly cleaning up after him and the cats. It's going to be even worse with a kid here.

-1.6

That's a bit more than I expected. I used so many points at the party that I stopped counting once the weeklies were all gone. The rest of the week I was at or near 29. Then again I have not been keeping track of or using activity points. So maybe that's why. So I have lost a total of 7.4 so far and I got my 5% star today. I am thinking about lowering my goal again. Maybe to 130 or something. Just thinking about it for now. I will see how I feel about it when I get to 136.

I got some more of the carpet installed after my meeting today. Now we just have to move the rest of the furniture onto the carpeted section so I can do the rest. I also realized last night that I can't find the screws to put my table legs on anywhere, so I will have to go buy more. I don't know what size they are either.

I'm kind of annoyed at Jeremy for something. He is still friends with his ex-wife and was talking to her tonight while I was at work. She had made a dig at him at one point, calling him arrogant. So later on he wanted to get back at her and he told her how successful I have been doing Weight Watchers, and that I have lost quite a bit of weight since we've been together. She is very overweight and has done Weight Watchers a couple times in the past but didn't stay with it. (I can imagine why, as he is a horrible enabler) I don't think it was fair for him to use me like that, to make a dig at her. I get along with her and do not want an adversarial relationship because of stuff like this.

We got our giant beanbag! It's sooo comfortable! Everything is sort of coming together, but there's a lot of work to do still. I still have about 40% of the carpet to do. I don't work until the evening tomorrow, so I'm hoping to get some finished before work.

This is the wall where the dining table will be.

This is as far as I have gotten on the carpet.

I've been feeling a lot better. Just some occasional mild nausea. For the last few days I have been working on getting 29 points in. I have been successful at it too. My weigh in is tomorrow. I'm expecting somewhere in the neighborhood of one pound, due in part to last Saturday's party.

Been busy

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. I've been really busy trying to get the house cleaned/fixed up as I only have one more week before my daughter gets here!

The birthday party last Saturday was fun. I probably drank my weight in vodka-fied fizzy limeade. The one advantage to being drink is my stomach issues go away temporarily and I can eat a lot more. In addition to the pudding I brought, I tried: pasta salad (no), potato chips (yes), fruit salad (kind of ok but lots of acid and too much ginger), bbq chicken breast (so good I had three pieces), apple pie (good), and chocolate chip cookies (also good, but I stopped eating halfway through the second one, as I had hit my wall).

Around midnight my friend H who was having the party halfway sat in my lap to tell me how "A-maaaze-ing" I looked. After he stumbled off to the kitchen to do more shots, the girl sitting across from me said that she was going to leave since H was starting to get creepy and asked if Jeremy and I would like a ride to the bus transit. Did I mention that these people were all teachers, doctors, astrophysicists?

The bad thing about getting that drunk is that I suffer the effects for days. Hangovers are not a good thing for people battling nausea issues. I got through it ok. I decided to try a few new things too. I remembered eating summer sausage throughout most of the nausea last time I started my meds. I saw some little summer sausage bites at the grocery outlet and bought them. They work! I decided to try eating the canned peaches without pureeing them too, and that went well. The only thing that didn't work was changing my morning shake. I put mangos in it with the banana and the protein powder. I couldn't drink it.

I want to try to get my eating fairly normalized in the next couple of weeks so I don't have to make two seperate meals for me and my daughter.

Last weekend I put tons of time into finishing the painting and installing carpet. They are carpet squares. Really cheap indoor/outdoor ones in rusty orange. And our landlord does not want us to affix them to the floor. So I have to duct tape them together on the bottom and then just pound them onto the carpet tacks at the edges. I'm sort of amazed that this works and that it looks as good as it does.

The giant brown bean bag is coming tomorrow!! My daughter doesn't know we're getting yet, just that it's a surprise.

New shoes

I got these in the mail yesterday. One of my clients had a pair, and I loved them so I ordered my own as soon as I could. They are Crocs!! I have had a pair of the slip-on flats for a while, and have been wanting some heels too, but I wanted them to be made completely out of the Crocs material. A lot of their dressier shoes aren't. Living in Seattle and walking a lot I just found my regular shoes were falling apart because they got wet all the time. It didn't matter if they were cheap or expensive. With Crocs, eventually the soles wear down some, but they are virtually indestructible. They are a little expensive, but they last me so much longer.

I also got a pair of black DKNY pants from Listia.com in the mail the other night, and DAMN they look hot. I never understood the appeal of designer clothes before, but I am starting to get it.

Last night I peeled and chopped up a sweet potato and boiled it till it was soft. Then I mashed it with a tsp of canola oil, a T of brown sugar, a couple squirts of sugar free maple syrup, and a dash of salt. It was pretty good. I'd have it again.

Along with my usual breakfast shake today I am planning to have vegetarian baked beans for lunch, and am going to try pureeing canned peaches packed with Splenda. Like applesauce only peachsauce. At least I hope! I've also been drinking a small glass of white grapefruit juice for the past couple of days to get some variety into my fruit servings. So far it's been nothing but applesauce and bananas.

I have a birthday party to go to tonight for a good friend of mine I have known 14(!!!) years. We went to college (!!!) together. Wow, I feel pretty old. I am making a couple things to take so I can use up some of the food in the fridge that I just don't have the appetite for right now. Jeremy, for some reason, won't eat them, and I don't want them to go bad.

I am making fruit salad, my usual style, but a little different this time. I usually mix a couple T of honey with the juice from one lime, and 6-7 chunks of candied ginger chopped up small. This is the dressing. The ginger soaks up the lime juice and the sugar dissolves. The resulting product tastes really good. Then I just dice up whatever fruit is cheap into a big bowl and toss it together. But this time I thawed out some raspberries and added that to the dressing too. I have kiwi, strawberries, and champagne mangoes. I also have some clementines, but I'll have to check and see if they are still any good.

The other dish is a total experiment. I am making pasta salad. I cooked the penne last night and while it was still hot I mixed in 4 oz of goat cheese and just enough milk to make it into a creamy sauce. Today I'm going to add chopped apples and celery to it. I don't know if it's going to be good or not.

I'm not really sure how tonight is going to go. Neither of the things I'm bringing are something I'd want to eat right now. It's a BBQ. It's unlikely anyone else will bring anything soft, mushy, and bland. We're taking the bus, so hot foods don't work so well. I have a bunch of pudding mix. Maybe I can make some of that and fancy it up somehow.

Can I just say that this is the weirdest side effect I have ever heard of or experienced? I guess it can fall under loss of appetite. It just seems weird for that to include only being able to handle certain foods. And not wanting foods that I used to love in the slightest. I just feel more hopeful this time knowing it will get back to normal. It will take some time, but it will get better.

My head is about to explode

Apparently Blogger is still down. I am writing this on my phone to upload later. I weighed in today at my Weight Watchers meeting. I lost exactly five pounds, which means I got a five pound star. Yes, I realize at least three pounds of it was water weight, but at least it's friggin' gone now. And you know what? I feel damn good! It's nice to finally see some progress, regardless of why.

I was kind of worried that they would be suspicious/concerned since people my size don't typically have five pound losses unless they are on The Biggest Loser. But then I thought, well it's fairly obvious that it could easily be water weight (which it was). And thus, the loss itself is not an abnormal amount. Frankly I don't think the receptionist thought it through to that degree anyway. She just congratulated me and said, "That means you get your five pound star!"

When I did the math I realized that at the current level I am eating, and my current BMR, I shouldn't lose more than two pounds a week, which is normal. The last time I started my meds I was losing 3-5 lbs a week, which was scary to me. But I weighed a lot more, and was eating a lot less. So there you go.

Since I have nothing else to do until the meeting...

I decided to prove to myself I do not look fat in pictures. Try to ignore the dirty mirror and that a tornado has hit the room. I feel better now. I need to work on not cutting myself down all the time. I never realized how bad I've been about that.

Wow!

As I was trying on some clothes, picking out something for a birthday party this weekend, I looked in the mirror and for maybe the first time ever I thought I looked really thin.

True to form, my very next thought was, "but I'd still look really fat in pictures." I have issues. Sigh.

Going shopping

I need to go to the grocery store tomorrow. I'm trying to think of things I can try that are soft, mushy, or liquid. So far I've been having smoothies with peanut butter and banana, applesauce, vegetable and bean based soups, refried black beans with melted cheese, scrambled eggs with melted cheese, yogurt, cottage cheese, pudding, mashed potatoes and oatmeal.

Last time around my nutritionist wanted me to drink more fruit juice so I am planning to get some white grapefruit juice, my favorite. I also ate pureed squash before, so I'll get some of that. I was thinking mashed sweet potato would be good as well. I wish I had a food processor. Maybe I could puree some canned peaches in my blender. A baked egg custard with cheese would work too. Like a boring crustless quiche. :P

I have no idea why I don't want any solid foods, specifically. I don't want anything frozen, like ice cream, either. And anything cooked that I eat has to be barely warm. It's so bizarre. It's totally boring. But if I even think about eating anything else my stomach turns. Even now it's kind of hard to get over the taste of eggs or the texture of oatmeal. But it's important for me to keep trying.

After a while I'll be able to get down a few more things. Cold pasta, cereal, salad (lettuce and dressing), most fruits, tuna salad. (now my stomach is turning) I'm glad I already have a good idea of how this is going to go. It took so much trial and error to figure this out before. I only ate like four things for weeks.

Tomorrow morning I have my meeting and will weigh in. If it's anywhere close to what I've been getting at home there will be a pretty big loss. And I already don't feel like I deserve it. I didn't earn it. Yes I started taking my medication again, which I needed to do for my health. But I never should have stopped taking it in the first place.

Why do I feel the need to feel bad about this? Someone who had gastric bypass wouldn't feel bad about it just because overeating, at least at first, isn't physically possible. Someone who lost weight going through chemo wouldn't feel bad about it. Hell, someone who had food poisoning and lost some weight wouldn't feel bad about it. What on earth is my problem?

Doing a little better

I had a few prolonged moments without nausea today. It's much easier to eat when I'm not feeling sick. I'm looking forward to being past this. I have been trying to "front load" my day and get lots of calories in earlier in the day, because half the time I have been too sick to eat in the evening. Today was the first day I was able to eat everything I had planned out, which is great.

I've been having a smoothie every morning with soy milk, a frozen banana, peanut butter, and protein powder. I'm getting kind of tired of it, but it's a really good combo for fat, protein, calcium and other nutrients. I also had chicken noodle soup, some saltines, banana pudding, applesauce, yogurt, and refried black beans with a little cheese. Jeremy finished all the taco sauce and didn't buy more though. Boo!

I'm still tracking points. I think it's very useful to see what I'm getting, what I need more of, and how much I'm eating, even though I'm not getting all 29 yet. I'm getting closer, and that makes me feel better.

Just got done watching The Biggest Loser and we're now watching The Voice. God, I love this show.

Horrible dreams

I had some really awful dreams last night. The first one was was truly terrifying. I dreamt that I woke up in my bed. There is a bay of windows right next to my bed, and I heard some clamoring outside. Then I saw the curtain blow inward, and I heard and felt the wind. Suddenly the curtain was ripped down and seconds later someone grabbed me and pulled me out of the window by my feet, really fast. It was too dark to see who/what it was. I couldn't get any sound out, but as soon as I managed to say something I woke up in a freaking panic.

Then at some point after I went to sleep I dreamed a woman brought a little blond girl, about seven, to my apartment and said she'd be back in a couple hours or so. The girl barely spoke. I fell asleep while waiting, and when I woke up she was still there, sleeping, and it was early the next morning. She woke up and I asked her what her name was. She said she didn't have a name. I asked her if that woman was her mother and she said no. I started to call the police, but then I decided I didn't want her to go back or to a foster home. I made her breakfast ( hot chocolate and Cocoa Puffs) and heard a knock at the door. This woman outside whispered to me like she was scared and said that I couldn't keep a child in the building and I'd better get rid of her fast. A minute later there was another knock at the door and it was another woman who came to take her away. I tried to slam the door and lock it but she kept trying to push her way in. I woke up before anything else happened.

I hate that I only remember the scary dreams.

Denial

Why is it that when someone comments on my weight loss my first instinct is to deny it? "Oh. No, I weigh the same as before." At first I thought it was because I didn't work for it and thus did not feel like any compliments were deserved. It especially bothered me when people asked what I was doing.

But I still do it. It's almost like I'm embarrassed. I haven't told anyone I'm doing Weight Watchers. Maybe it's because I was always ok with how I looked. I believed in size acceptance. I believed that diets don't work. I believed that most people gain the weight back, usually more than before. I don't even know what I believe anymore. Honestly. Now I know many people who's health has dramatically improved from weight loss. Seemingly. Including my boyfriend. It could have just been from increase in activity. On the other hand, Jeremy may not be on insulin any more, but he still has complications. Bad ones.

It's not like I was ever vocal about it. I mean, who cares if I am re-examining my stance? Nobody knows. But I know. Am I just going to be another statistic and regain all the weight? Am I being irresponsible by encouraging other people to lose weight? I just don't know anymore.

Now I remember

Those of you who are just joining, this is what's been happening. Like a dumbass, I stopped taking my crazy pills for about a month. To the shock of no-one, I started cycling again. I also started having a hard time with overeating, which is almost always due to stress in some way.

I started taking them again, gradually ramping up the dose, like before. I gained a bunch of water weight from the lithium, which I have come to find out is normal but temporary. And then I added the lamictal back in. And I remembered why I lost so much weight the first time I took it. The side effects do not last forever, and over time they get much better, but it took a long time to be able to eat normally again.

Here's what happened the first time, and is now happening again: I feel nauseated all the time. I have stomach cramps all the time. It wakes me up at night and prevents me from getting to sleep. I don't throw up, but sometimes I wish I did. Realistically, it would not help.

I become averse to most foods. Smells make me sick. Even looking at food makes me sick. I get motion sickness from any kind of transportation. Everything I make myself eat makes me sicker for hours after eating it, even water. Because of this I find myself getting dehydrated. Anything I do eat has to be liquid or mushy and bland, and I can't eat large quantities. Anything else I can't even get down. It's freaking miserable.

Last time it went on for about a month, and then the nausea gradually started to go away for periods of time. I started being able to eat a wider variety of foods, including solids. By three or four months in I can eat anything I ate before, but my stomach shrinks and I can't eat a lot until I stretch it back out. I am praying that the side effects wear off faster this time.

Last time this happened I was broke, and since I never felt hungry I didn't really care. I barely ate. I didn't expect it to continue much longer anyway. After it had gone on for a month I started really worrying about my nutrition. I saw a nutritionist, and that helped. I now have the benefit of knowing what I should be eating, and I've started going to the gym again because weight bearing exercise will help prevent loss of muscle. I am also trying much harder to eat whenever I feel able. So I'm getting more in. Not alot, but much better than I did a couple years ago. I also know what kinds of foods I am able to eat for now, which I figured out through trial and error last time, and from the nutritionist's suggestions. I lost weight much too rapidly before, but since I weigh less and eat more now it shouldn't come off that quickly again. I don't want that. It's dangerous. It scared the crap out of me last time, because I didn't know if/when it would get better.

So the only thing I can do now is hang in there and get through it. Try my best to get a varied diet and get in calories where I can. Today I blended a banana with soy milk, peanut butter and protein powder for breakfast, and for lunch I made mashed potatoes, some whole milk pudding, and applesauce with cinnamon. I have split pea soup for dinner. I bought lots of canned soups with split peas, beans and lentils because I need to get a fair amount of sodium, and that gives me lots in one shot. Plus the protein and fiber is harder for me to get in general.

In other news, mother's day is pretty bittersweet in my household because my daughter isn't here. Jeremy never knew his mom, and the woman who raised him passed away. Most holidays are hard on him. He has no family.

Things I should feel good about

With the frustration of the recent weight gain I've been trying to keep reminding myself that in the grand scheme it's not that big of a deal. I actually have a lot to be proud of even if it's hard to see it sometimes.

Monday I went and did some metabolic and aerobic capacity testing that I had purchased through Living Social several months ago. I wound up hurting my back about a week after I purchased it so I just now got around to it. I found out my body fat percentage is now 27.2, down from god only knows what. But it's now within normal and acceptable ranges (typically 25-31%). I scored within the 70th percentile on the aerobic capacity test which means I'm quite a bit more physically fit than average. This is without having done any exercise besides walking in months too. So, I may be overweight still by a little bit, but I'm still in pretty good shape. That's something to be proud of. I also found out that I am actually nearly 5'3" when I have thought I was only 5'2". Not that I had anything to do with that, but it means I'm slightly less overweight than I thought. I think I'll change my goal weight by a few pounds to reflect that.

I should also feel good about the fact that I have kept off over 55 pounds for more than a year. I may have lost most (but not all) of it without specifically trying to, but keeping the weight off has been through quite a lot of effort on my part. I should also feel good about the fact that I have been taking the medications I need to function, even though they make me feel not so great for a while at first, and I get acne and dry skin. It's not easy to make myself sometimes, but I have seen how quickly things change for the worse when I stop taking them. I know it's something I need to do.

I didn't wait until the s--- hit the fan to start taking them again this time either. I'm doing better with getting back on track before things really go south. I'm recognizing small changes in my mood before they get to a dangerous place. I know I shouldn't stop taking my meds ever, and I will try to do better with that. It's too important.

And I don't feel like I shouldn't deserve any credit for losing the weight in the first place. I did feel that way for a long time. But I was taking care of my health by taking my medication, and sometimes taking care of your health results in weight loss. I had the choice not to take them, and at times I wanted to quit, but I didn't. I should feel good about that. I should be proud of what I've accomplished. My health and my fitness have improved in so many ways because I made the choice to take care of myself . That's no small accomplishment.

In other news, we've been working on getting the living room looking nice before my daughter gets here, since part of it will be sectioned off for her "room." I painted three of the four walls, and plan to do the last on on Sunday. It already looks so much cleaner and better. I also have to put in some carpet tiles. Right now there's just concrete and it's gross. We're also in need of a sofa since the dumb cats tore up the old futon, which was frankly really old and nasty anyway. We decided on one of these:
It's from Comfy Sack. I can't believe how inexpensive they are! We don't know what color we're getting yet. Jeremy ordered some fabric samples to look at. It's so cool though. I can't wait to get it. My daughter's going to go nuts over it, I'm sure. I'll be so happy when it's all done in there. I haven't wanted to have anyone over because it was just a total crap hole in there, plus there were all these boxes because there's no point in unpacking until the carpet is put in. I'd just have to move it all. I hung up some of my art collection on the walls I already painted, and it's starting to look like a real home now.

+2.4

I stayed within my points this week and counted EVERYTHING. I'm not really sure what's going on, but I suspect it has something to do with restarting my medication. I've been feeling unbelievably bloated, and it's a salt, so... I also have to maintain fairly high sodium levels in my diet while taking it to keep he levels from going toxic. It's hard not to get discouraged. I'm doing some reading. Trying to figure this out.

One thing I have found out is that the second drug I was taking before is associated with weight loss, and the bulk of the weight I lost was after I started taking both of them. So I think I will start back up on that one as well and see what happens.

Mixed results

I have been planning to stick pretty close to 29 points a day for a while and not use many of my weeklies or activity points, just to chsnge things up and get my weight moving. Yesterday I walked to the museum with Jeremy to see the Nick Cave exhibit, and after that we went home and started painting the livingroom.

I wound up finishing three of the four walls, and between that and the walking that was a LOT of physical activity. I was pretty hungry. Jeremy had bought some candy and a giant cookie and I wound up eating nearly all of both. I didn't feel like making dinner and we went to Qdoba, but at least I reigned it in there and got sokething lower in points. I'm making a commitment to keep my points lower for the rest of the week. I can do this.