Saturday, April 2, 2011

Going better

Yesterday was a little tough. I had a smoothie before I left for work, and an ounce of gouda and two huge strawberries on the way there. But then when I got there I was totally booked and didn't get to eat anything again until I left a little after 2. I sat at the bus stop and inhaled my chicken sandwich, two more huge strawberries, and a yogurt. Not even so much because I was hungry (though I was) but because I wanted that lemon pie I had packed.

It reminded me of when I was little and I'd stuff myself on dinner because I had to finish it if I wanted dessert. And I ALWAYS wanted dessert. I remember throwing up one Christmas eve when I was 9 because I'd been eating chocolate all day long. My aunt had molded some chocolates in the shape of teddy bears, trains, drums, and she'd put orange flavoring in them and set them all over my grandparents' house in candy dishes. Every time I walked by I took one or six. I don't even think it was emotional eating. I think I'm just wired that way. My parents didn't go to either extreme as far as sweets were concerned. We had normal amounts at regular intervals. But every time I had a chance to eat more, I would, and as much as possible. As if I would never see another piece of chocolate again. It didn't matter how many times I made myself sick. I sometimes took a cup of sugar, stirred in a packet of kool-aid, and then added water a few drops at a time until it reached a sludgey sort of consistency, and then I'd eat it with a spoon.

I don't think my parents had any idea how much sugar I really ate. I was never overweight until after college though, and I was generally pretty skinny until I was 11 or 12 at which I hit puberty and filled out to an average size. This prompted my parents and grandparents to think I was getting fat and make comments about my size, which backfired in the most spectacular way.

Today has been easier in that I haven't felt the same frantic need to eat my meals so I can get to my damn sweets already. I made a shake for breakfast with soy milk, chocolate whey protein, a frozen banana and a tablespoon of peanut butter. It was good and kept me full for a while. I was going to make grilled cheese for lunch, only to find that I had half a loaf of moldy @#$%& bread. I made a quesadilla instead and had it with an orange and a cinnamon roll pudding cup. I just ate my second to last lemon pie also. I have fish tacos and brussels sprouts planned for dinner, and some sugar free lime jell-o with mandarin oranges setting for after dinner.

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