Back

I wish it were under better circumstances. I suppose they could he worse. Part of my not blogging had to do with the blogger app on my phone acting up, so I wound up uninstalling it, and with my daughter here I'm not on the computer as much. But mostly it's because despite my not wanting to regain weight I quit tracking, quit trying, and did just that. I won't even say how much, but it was more than I started blogging with.

Last week I just decided I was done. I felt like crap from eating just CRAP all the time. I don't even know why I was doing it. Stress maybe. Once it became habit it was much harder to stop. I told my boyfriend that I just felt awful. I felt bloated and huge and uncomfortable, and even doing the same physical activities I always had was suddenly getting much more difficult. I told him I needed to lose the weight. Even if I just get to, say, 145 and decide what to do from there. I was much more comfortable at that weight than I have been lately.

I decided that for now the best plan for me is to skip starches and sugars. It had just become too difficult for me to limit them. When I feel like I have more control I will go about adding them back in but moderately. For now it's just easier to stay on plan without them. I need a mental break.

So I'm not doing low carb exactly. I have found that my body just doesn't do well on that. I'm eating fruits and the higher carb dairy products, as well as small amounts of things like teriyaki sauce, and focusing on protein and fruits and vegetables. I probably wind up at around 80-100 grams a day total. It just winds up being much more filling, and thus much easier to stay within points.

So far I have dropped about seven pounds in less than a week's time. Four of it was overnight. So obviously I was very very bloated. I've gained a good amount of fat with it too though, and it needs to go.

Today I had a shake of protein powder and soy milk for.breakfast. For lunch I brought some lettuce with half an avocado and a tablespoon of parmesan ranch dressing, a thick slice of watermelon, and a cup of cottage cheese. I have an artificially sweetened yogurt for a snack later, and for dinner I am making turkey keilbasa sauteed with mushrooms and green bell pepper. I still have some points left after all that, but I haven't decided what to do with them yet. I was afraid my daughter would miss having pasta, potatoes, and rice at dinner, but I don't even think she's noticed. I bought a bag of dinner rolls for to to have if she wants, but so far she's never even wanted one at dinner. She does eat them for lunch though.

This weekend we are going to Portland to visit my aunt by train. She generally takes us out to eat for every meal, so I am planning to just try to stick to reasonble portions of reasonably healthy choices, and some limited amounts of treats. I'll track as best I can too. I don't want to undo what I've lost already.

In other unrelated news, I have been tossing around the idea of a career change for some time, but have had no idea what to go into. I initially wanted something that's not so physically demanding, but I've been hard pressed to come up with something that I'm really interested in doing along those lines. I think I have a plan now. It's kind of the opposite of non-physically demanding, but I'm still young, and who knows where it could lead. I do have some specific ideas in mind, but I won't share them just now. One thing I will share is that working in some way with people dealing with food insecurity is something I care strongly about. And my first steps, after my daughter goes back to Alaska for the school year, are to take some basic cooking classes in the evening after work, and the second part is to start volunteering in the kitchen of the resource center for homeless youth a couple blocks from my apartment.

So, that's what's been happening with me. Things are, for now, going well, and I'm happy to be back on track.

Spinning my wheels

I cannot seem to get it together. I start out the day planning to eat healthy but then I just completely dissolve, sometimes before lunch even. I feel horrible. My whole body aches. I am bloated beyond belief, and some of my pants are too tight. The ones that were previously loose, most of them just fit now. For every time I turn down the opportunity for junk food, or even just choose something lower in calories, there are three more times that I just plain don't. I know a lot of this is only water weight, but I also know some of it definitely is not. I am not sure why it has suddenly become SO much harder. I don't know how to fix it. I am even trying to make baby steps (not count points but try to eat more produce and limit junk food) and even then I am failing. I feel very out of control right now, and I'm not happy.

In other news I am looking into making a career change in the next few years. Possibly sooner. I have been a manicurist for 7 years. Though I like it, it is physically taxing. It's getting harder on my back. I'm tired of being in pain by the end of the day half the time. I had thought about doing floral design before but I had a client once who did that, and I decided against it. She said she loved her job but it's also very physically demanding. Her hands were also very rough and calloused from work, and that would drive me totally nuts. I am now thinking about body piercing. I guess you just have to do an apprenticeship here and then apply for your license. I am not all that keen on another student loan (just throw it onto the pile with the other two!) so that appeals to me, and I'd even make at least a small income while training.

I like working one on one with people, and I think I'd be fine with stabbing people with needles. I also gauged my ears out to a 0ga at one point, and have some experience with that. I let the holes shrink back to a six after a few years. Otherwise I have no other piercings, but there are a few I wouldn't mind getting. I don't exactly fit the image of someone who works in the body art field though. I have one small tattoo that is usually covered by my clothing, and have no interest in piercing anything other than my ears. Actually I think snake bites look kind of cool, but only if you are under 25. Lol. And I know my boyfriend would hate it if I did that. It's not really me.

Must... resist... cheesecake

Ok, so last night I ate lots of those damn chocolate crisp cookies we got at IKEA two weeks ago. I had been doing a good job at ignoring them in the top of my closet, but once I had one... well there's something very addictive about them.

I had 11 weekly points left as of this morning. I had a homemade smoothie and on the way to work I stopped and got a donut. Because I had the points for one and it's been months since I had one. And thennnnnn... I got to work. And there was almost an entire cheesecake left over from a pot luck they had had yesterday when I was off. One that has a couple slices each of six different flavors. I ate one and a half pieces. I almost had one more. I am not going to let myself do it. It's not worth it. I can handle this.

I ate my lunch including a big bowl of fresh pineapple and green and red grapes. I am stuffed now and eating cheesecake at this point would just make me suffer. Gotta stand firm and be strong. I'm bigger than a grocery store cheesecake.

Quick update

I did my weigh in on Thursday. I have gained 2.2 lbs since my last weigh in at weight watchers, which I expected. I seem to still be dropping some water weight from all the poor eating though. I have been staying on plan well since switching to maintenance. I think I will stay on it a while longer. Until I feel I have some control back.

Tomorrow I get to spend the day ripping up about a dozen carpet tiles and redoing them. We discovered  that my daughter had been dragging the trampoline around the room and the feet left big black marks that will not come out at all. There are even marks where it was just sitting there so we are getting rid of the trampoline. It's too big for this space anyway.

Rethinking things

Things have just been really damn hard. I knew the summer would be difficult, but I didn't realize exactly how difficult it would be. Last summer I literally ate whatever I wanted and I maintained my weight of 160ish the whole time. Fast food, candy, huge Slurpees, mac and cheese and hot dogs for dinner.It's not that I want to necessarily eat the same way now, but I find myself feeling very deprived. I find myself indulging far more often than I can if I want to lose weight. An extra enchilada here. A scoop of frozen custard there. In addition the dinners I am making are much more starch heavy than usual because it's cheaper and my food budget doubles in the summer months with my daughter here.

I've decided that I just don't want to spend the time going to WW meetings until she goes back home to her dad's. I want to spend all the time I can with her. I called his morning and temporarily changed to e-tools only. I will weigh in at home on the same day, in the same clothes. I need to start doing that again. Seeing the patterns on a graph makes a difference to me.
I have also, for now, changed the settings in my e-tools for maintenance. I may not leave it there, but for now I need a break and I want to at least maintain where I'm at. I think I should start keeping track of my activity points again as well. I had stopped doing that for a while. I get a lot more activity in the summer too.

Right now I'm just going to take it one day at a time and see how it goes. My main concern at this time is to NOT regain the weight.

ABCs of food

I stole this from The Tortoise's blog. I thought it was kind of fun. :)

A: is for Apple, what's your favorite variety?
Honey Crisp. Wish they weren't so expensive.

B: is for Bread, regardless of nutrition, calories, or whole grains what is your favorite type to have a nice big piece of?
French

C: is for Cereal what is your favorite kind currently (just one!)
Spoon Size Shredded Wheat is my long time favorite.


D: is for Doughnuts, you might not currently be eating them but what kind do you fancy?
I love doughnuts and still get them sometimes. Lemon jelly filled is the best.

E: is for Eggs, how would you like yours prepared?
Scrambled with melted cheese on top or basted. To baste an egg you can either spoon bacon fat over the top to cook the top, or steam it. I steam mine. You cook it just like a sunny side up egg and for the last minute or two you add a little water to the skillet and cover it. This cooks the egg white on to of the yolk without cooking the yolk too much, and it's nice and runny but no slimy whites. I will also ONLY eat scrambled eggs if I make them. They have to be made just right.


F: is for Fat Free, what is your favorite fat free product?
I don't like anything that should have fat and doesn't. Some low fat things are ok though, like mayo, yogurt, ice cream, and certain cheeses.



G: is for Groceries, where do you purchase yours at?
QFC, Safeway, Trader Joe's and Grocery Outlet. Very occasionally Whole Foods.


H: is for Hot Beverages, what is your favorite hot drink?
Mulled cider


I: is for Ice Cream, pick a favorite flavor and add a fun topping.
Haagen Dazs white chocolate raspberry truffle. I wouldn't add a topping but it's awesome with a slice of red velvet cake.



J: is for Jams or Jellies, do you eat them, and if so what kind and flavor?
Sugar free strawberry.


K: is for Kashi, name your favorite Kashi product?
The Go Lean cereal is pretty good.


L: is for Lunch, what was yours today?
A sliced apple and a pizza quesadilla. A tortilla filled with mozzarella, a few pepperonis and grilled in olive oil, served with warm marinara to dip it.


M: is for microwave, what is your favorite microwave meal/snack?
Microwaving ruins a lot of foods for me. Those Smart Ones sundaes are really good. You only micro them for like 5 seconds though.


N: is for nutrients, do you like carbs, fats, or proteins best?
Carbs and fat together.


O: is for oil, what kind do you like to use?
Canola. EVOO has a strong flavor. Too strong for anything not Italian or Greek in nature.


P: is for protein, how do you get yours?
A lot of it from protein powder. The rest from dairy and beans mostly.


Q: is for Quaker, how do you like your oats?
Instant oatmeal. Flavored ones.


R: is for roasting, what is your favorite thing to roast?
I don't think I have roasted anything in my entire adult life.


S: is for sandwich, what’s your favorite kind?
Egg salad on wheat with lettuce and tomato.


T: is for travel, how do you handle eating while traveling?
I kind of eat what I want and just try to maintain till I get back.


U: is for unique, what is one of your weirdest food combos?
I'm pretty well known for having rigid ideas about what foods belong together.


V: is for vitamins, what kind do you take?
I take kids gummy vitamins.


W: is for wasabi, yay or nay?
It's ok. Wasabi almonds are awesome.


X: is for X-RAY. If we x-rayed your belly right now, what food would we see?
Once piece of frozen pizza, two small boneless BBQ wings, and some grapefruit juice.


Y: is for youth, what food reminds you of your childhood?
Vanilla yogurt with sliced bananas, Mrs. Grass noodle soup, raw rhubarb and chives.


Z: is for zucchini, how do you prepare it?
Cut it lengthwise, put a little olive oil on top and sprinkle with parmesan cheese. Bake for about 15. I also like it a lot in pasta dishes.

Kind of a frustrating day

I ordered a poster of a Salvador Dali painting for my daughter's room, and picked it up from the post office today, but when I opened it the poster was bent in the middle. There was no damage at all to the shipping tube either, so it must have been mailed out like that. I called the site and left two messages but they never called back. I just emailed them, so hopefully they will send out a replacement soon. On top of that the intake on the vacuum is clogged and it doesn't work at all. I can't get it unclogged.

I didn't go to the weigh in or meeting today either. I was just feeling lazy. There would have been around a two pound gain. On the plus side I have not overeaten yesterday or today. I bought one of those frozen pizzas that comes with boneless BBQ wings for my daughter and boyfriend since I work late Thursdays. When I got home I just had one piece of pizza and two small wings with a small glass of grapefruit juice, and it was enough. I'm still good and full. I thought about having a freezer pop since they are only one point, but I realized I didn't need it or really want it even, so I didn't have one this time. I have been brushing my teeth after I finish eating for the day, and I always thought it was silly (Like anything could stop me from eating. Ha!) but it seems to help.

I came to the realization the other day that the reason I want to lose more weight is almost entirely for my boyfriend. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. It's not like he has ever said anything about wanting me to lose weight, but he likes putting his hands on my waist and saying stuff about how tiny I am. I can tell he likes it. He says he likes that I have hips. He says he likes that he can pick me up. He said that he likes being seen with me in public because people assume that he's either rich or has a big dick (he also says that neither is true). I think he has a skewed perception of what he looks like though. I think he's very attractive. He thinks I am way out of his league. I think having a girlfriend who is smaller than him is still a novelty for him.

His ex wife literally weighs twice as much as me, and she's very apple shaped. Even though they are friends, I know he secretly enjoys that she is a little bothered by him dating a much smaller woman, and she has accused him of divorcing her because she was fat. He says this isn't true at all. He said that he was never bothered by her weight, just that she complained about it all the time and never tried to change it.

He told me that he wouldn't love me any less if I were bigger. I've lost over 30 lbs since I met him, and the picture on my dating profile were all at my highest weight when he first wrote to me. So I don't doubt that that is true. But it's also obvious to me that he gets something out of me being more conventionally attractive. And I really like the approval I get from him. I want more of it. I'm just not sure that this is a healthy reason to lose weight at all.

Messed up so bad last night

I ate like seven cookies and two pop tarts after dinner. I need to revise my strategy. I'm not even on my period so I can't blame that. Well, it's a new month and I can make a new start. I can do this.

Struggling. Big time.

I have just been having the hardest time getting my eating under control. I think it just boils down to being busy, being stressed, and having my daughter here. When she is here I tend to eat out more, have more snacks and desserts, etc. As of yesterday I was almost four pounds up from my last weigh in. I stayed within my points yesterday and this morning I was a pound and a half down from that. My goal this week is to have as small of a gain as I can.

Yesterday Jeremy and I hung up curtain track from the ceiling around my daughter's "room." We have an odd assortment of curtains hanging there now. Next time I get paid I'll buy matching ones. Two of the curtains there right now are black and we like how that looks, so we're planning on black ones.

Missing in action

So, I haven't been tracking this week so far. With my daughter coming soon, and my nausea pretty much gone, I decided I wanted to get back into eating normal food. I decided to start with foods I like under almost all circumstances. I had some pizza, some BBQ chicken, and some ice cream. I know I used up my weekly points on Friday, and went over again on Saturday. Sunday I did well until Jeremy brought home a pint of Ben and Jerry's which I ate about a third of. Today I did not keep track of points, but I did better. I bought some fudgesicles, because they are 100 calories each and I know I will only eat one or two at the most. I am planning to track tomorrow and keep things in line.

I've decided to wait until next week to weigh in and go to the meeting. My daughter gets in late Wednesday night, and I work Thursday evening. I want to have time to do things with her. I'm going to do my best to stay on track so I have a loss when I weigh in next week. So far I have only seen a pretty manageable gain from the weekend, so it should be more than possible.


I've also not been wanting to cook because I have had lots of work to do in the apartment. I got the carpet all done, the painting all done. I had to go buy new screws to put my table together, which was awesome because I had no idea what kind they were, but the ones I bought were just right. I cleaned the whole bathroom and kitchen. Never underestimate how gross a couple of cats and a guy can make these rooms. I don't even understand how it's possible. I had to completely clean the entertainment center and his desk too. Like they had never been cleaned. Ever. So. Disgusting. The horrible thing is that I cleaned his desk thoroughly about six months ago.

I've also been putting in finishing touches like the metal strip between the carpet and the laminate flooring in the hallway. Yeah, that's a lot harder than you'd think. I also had paint all over my vinyl chairs (I sometimes paint as a hobby). I bought some solvent to remove the paint and spent about an hour scrubbing the paint off while talking to my dad and then my daughter on speaker phone. My hands are super dry from the solvent now. It's looking REALLY good in here though and it's worth the work.

I know my daughter doesn't care if there are paint drips on the chairs, but it matters to me. I was looking at dinettes online today thinking I'd like to get a new one in a couple years. The one I really like, the Eero Saarinen set, is over four grand. I didn't really see anything else that I liked more than what I currently have. I figured reupholstering the chairs would be cheaper. But when I started looking at upholstery shop sites they didn't have any vinyl colors even close to what I have. And I want the same color. So I decided to bite the bullet and clean them off. I have had that set for 6 years, and I really love it. I shipped it here from Alaska when I moved. Some of the chairs have small rips and damage, and one of the legs is a bit bent, but I need to hang onto them a little longer. Complete sets are not easy to find. Especially in dark pink.

I kind of have to admit that I am starting to resent the fact that I'm the one doing almost all of the work. Especially the gross cleaning duty. I know that his low vision would prevent him from doing a thorough job anyway, but he could at least wipe up the counters and the stove after using them, and wipe his desk off after he eats there. Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly cleaning up after him and the cats. It's going to be even worse with a kid here.

-1.6

That's a bit more than I expected. I used so many points at the party that I stopped counting once the weeklies were all gone. The rest of the week I was at or near 29. Then again I have not been keeping track of or using activity points. So maybe that's why. So I have lost a total of 7.4 so far and I got my 5% star today. I am thinking about lowering my goal again. Maybe to 130 or something. Just thinking about it for now. I will see how I feel about it when I get to 136.

I got some more of the carpet installed after my meeting today. Now we just have to move the rest of the furniture onto the carpeted section so I can do the rest. I also realized last night that I can't find the screws to put my table legs on anywhere, so I will have to go buy more. I don't know what size they are either.

I'm kind of annoyed at Jeremy for something. He is still friends with his ex-wife and was talking to her tonight while I was at work. She had made a dig at him at one point, calling him arrogant. So later on he wanted to get back at her and he told her how successful I have been doing Weight Watchers, and that I have lost quite a bit of weight since we've been together. She is very overweight and has done Weight Watchers a couple times in the past but didn't stay with it. (I can imagine why, as he is a horrible enabler) I don't think it was fair for him to use me like that, to make a dig at her. I get along with her and do not want an adversarial relationship because of stuff like this.

We got our giant beanbag! It's sooo comfortable! Everything is sort of coming together, but there's a lot of work to do still. I still have about 40% of the carpet to do. I don't work until the evening tomorrow, so I'm hoping to get some finished before work.

This is the wall where the dining table will be.

This is as far as I have gotten on the carpet.

I've been feeling a lot better. Just some occasional mild nausea. For the last few days I have been working on getting 29 points in. I have been successful at it too. My weigh in is tomorrow. I'm expecting somewhere in the neighborhood of one pound, due in part to last Saturday's party.

Been busy

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. I've been really busy trying to get the house cleaned/fixed up as I only have one more week before my daughter gets here!

The birthday party last Saturday was fun. I probably drank my weight in vodka-fied fizzy limeade. The one advantage to being drink is my stomach issues go away temporarily and I can eat a lot more. In addition to the pudding I brought, I tried: pasta salad (no), potato chips (yes), fruit salad (kind of ok but lots of acid and too much ginger), bbq chicken breast (so good I had three pieces), apple pie (good), and chocolate chip cookies (also good, but I stopped eating halfway through the second one, as I had hit my wall).

Around midnight my friend H who was having the party halfway sat in my lap to tell me how "A-maaaze-ing" I looked. After he stumbled off to the kitchen to do more shots, the girl sitting across from me said that she was going to leave since H was starting to get creepy and asked if Jeremy and I would like a ride to the bus transit. Did I mention that these people were all teachers, doctors, astrophysicists?

The bad thing about getting that drunk is that I suffer the effects for days. Hangovers are not a good thing for people battling nausea issues. I got through it ok. I decided to try a few new things too. I remembered eating summer sausage throughout most of the nausea last time I started my meds. I saw some little summer sausage bites at the grocery outlet and bought them. They work! I decided to try eating the canned peaches without pureeing them too, and that went well. The only thing that didn't work was changing my morning shake. I put mangos in it with the banana and the protein powder. I couldn't drink it.

I want to try to get my eating fairly normalized in the next couple of weeks so I don't have to make two seperate meals for me and my daughter.

Last weekend I put tons of time into finishing the painting and installing carpet. They are carpet squares. Really cheap indoor/outdoor ones in rusty orange. And our landlord does not want us to affix them to the floor. So I have to duct tape them together on the bottom and then just pound them onto the carpet tacks at the edges. I'm sort of amazed that this works and that it looks as good as it does.

The giant brown bean bag is coming tomorrow!! My daughter doesn't know we're getting yet, just that it's a surprise.

New shoes

I got these in the mail yesterday. One of my clients had a pair, and I loved them so I ordered my own as soon as I could. They are Crocs!! I have had a pair of the slip-on flats for a while, and have been wanting some heels too, but I wanted them to be made completely out of the Crocs material. A lot of their dressier shoes aren't. Living in Seattle and walking a lot I just found my regular shoes were falling apart because they got wet all the time. It didn't matter if they were cheap or expensive. With Crocs, eventually the soles wear down some, but they are virtually indestructible. They are a little expensive, but they last me so much longer.

I also got a pair of black DKNY pants from Listia.com in the mail the other night, and DAMN they look hot. I never understood the appeal of designer clothes before, but I am starting to get it.

Last night I peeled and chopped up a sweet potato and boiled it till it was soft. Then I mashed it with a tsp of canola oil, a T of brown sugar, a couple squirts of sugar free maple syrup, and a dash of salt. It was pretty good. I'd have it again.

Along with my usual breakfast shake today I am planning to have vegetarian baked beans for lunch, and am going to try pureeing canned peaches packed with Splenda. Like applesauce only peachsauce. At least I hope! I've also been drinking a small glass of white grapefruit juice for the past couple of days to get some variety into my fruit servings. So far it's been nothing but applesauce and bananas.

I have a birthday party to go to tonight for a good friend of mine I have known 14(!!!) years. We went to college (!!!) together. Wow, I feel pretty old. I am making a couple things to take so I can use up some of the food in the fridge that I just don't have the appetite for right now. Jeremy, for some reason, won't eat them, and I don't want them to go bad.

I am making fruit salad, my usual style, but a little different this time. I usually mix a couple T of honey with the juice from one lime, and 6-7 chunks of candied ginger chopped up small. This is the dressing. The ginger soaks up the lime juice and the sugar dissolves. The resulting product tastes really good. Then I just dice up whatever fruit is cheap into a big bowl and toss it together. But this time I thawed out some raspberries and added that to the dressing too. I have kiwi, strawberries, and champagne mangoes. I also have some clementines, but I'll have to check and see if they are still any good.

The other dish is a total experiment. I am making pasta salad. I cooked the penne last night and while it was still hot I mixed in 4 oz of goat cheese and just enough milk to make it into a creamy sauce. Today I'm going to add chopped apples and celery to it. I don't know if it's going to be good or not.

I'm not really sure how tonight is going to go. Neither of the things I'm bringing are something I'd want to eat right now. It's a BBQ. It's unlikely anyone else will bring anything soft, mushy, and bland. We're taking the bus, so hot foods don't work so well. I have a bunch of pudding mix. Maybe I can make some of that and fancy it up somehow.

Can I just say that this is the weirdest side effect I have ever heard of or experienced? I guess it can fall under loss of appetite. It just seems weird for that to include only being able to handle certain foods. And not wanting foods that I used to love in the slightest. I just feel more hopeful this time knowing it will get back to normal. It will take some time, but it will get better.

My head is about to explode

Apparently Blogger is still down. I am writing this on my phone to upload later. I weighed in today at my Weight Watchers meeting. I lost exactly five pounds, which means I got a five pound star. Yes, I realize at least three pounds of it was water weight, but at least it's friggin' gone now. And you know what? I feel damn good! It's nice to finally see some progress, regardless of why.

I was kind of worried that they would be suspicious/concerned since people my size don't typically have five pound losses unless they are on The Biggest Loser. But then I thought, well it's fairly obvious that it could easily be water weight (which it was). And thus, the loss itself is not an abnormal amount. Frankly I don't think the receptionist thought it through to that degree anyway. She just congratulated me and said, "That means you get your five pound star!"

When I did the math I realized that at the current level I am eating, and my current BMR, I shouldn't lose more than two pounds a week, which is normal. The last time I started my meds I was losing 3-5 lbs a week, which was scary to me. But I weighed a lot more, and was eating a lot less. So there you go.

Since I have nothing else to do until the meeting...

I decided to prove to myself I do not look fat in pictures. Try to ignore the dirty mirror and that a tornado has hit the room. I feel better now. I need to work on not cutting myself down all the time. I never realized how bad I've been about that.

Wow!

As I was trying on some clothes, picking out something for a birthday party this weekend, I looked in the mirror and for maybe the first time ever I thought I looked really thin.

True to form, my very next thought was, "but I'd still look really fat in pictures." I have issues. Sigh.

Going shopping

I need to go to the grocery store tomorrow. I'm trying to think of things I can try that are soft, mushy, or liquid. So far I've been having smoothies with peanut butter and banana, applesauce, vegetable and bean based soups, refried black beans with melted cheese, scrambled eggs with melted cheese, yogurt, cottage cheese, pudding, mashed potatoes and oatmeal.

Last time around my nutritionist wanted me to drink more fruit juice so I am planning to get some white grapefruit juice, my favorite. I also ate pureed squash before, so I'll get some of that. I was thinking mashed sweet potato would be good as well. I wish I had a food processor. Maybe I could puree some canned peaches in my blender. A baked egg custard with cheese would work too. Like a boring crustless quiche. :P

I have no idea why I don't want any solid foods, specifically. I don't want anything frozen, like ice cream, either. And anything cooked that I eat has to be barely warm. It's so bizarre. It's totally boring. But if I even think about eating anything else my stomach turns. Even now it's kind of hard to get over the taste of eggs or the texture of oatmeal. But it's important for me to keep trying.

After a while I'll be able to get down a few more things. Cold pasta, cereal, salad (lettuce and dressing), most fruits, tuna salad. (now my stomach is turning) I'm glad I already have a good idea of how this is going to go. It took so much trial and error to figure this out before. I only ate like four things for weeks.

Tomorrow morning I have my meeting and will weigh in. If it's anywhere close to what I've been getting at home there will be a pretty big loss. And I already don't feel like I deserve it. I didn't earn it. Yes I started taking my medication again, which I needed to do for my health. But I never should have stopped taking it in the first place.

Why do I feel the need to feel bad about this? Someone who had gastric bypass wouldn't feel bad about it just because overeating, at least at first, isn't physically possible. Someone who lost weight going through chemo wouldn't feel bad about it. Hell, someone who had food poisoning and lost some weight wouldn't feel bad about it. What on earth is my problem?

Doing a little better

I had a few prolonged moments without nausea today. It's much easier to eat when I'm not feeling sick. I'm looking forward to being past this. I have been trying to "front load" my day and get lots of calories in earlier in the day, because half the time I have been too sick to eat in the evening. Today was the first day I was able to eat everything I had planned out, which is great.

I've been having a smoothie every morning with soy milk, a frozen banana, peanut butter, and protein powder. I'm getting kind of tired of it, but it's a really good combo for fat, protein, calcium and other nutrients. I also had chicken noodle soup, some saltines, banana pudding, applesauce, yogurt, and refried black beans with a little cheese. Jeremy finished all the taco sauce and didn't buy more though. Boo!

I'm still tracking points. I think it's very useful to see what I'm getting, what I need more of, and how much I'm eating, even though I'm not getting all 29 yet. I'm getting closer, and that makes me feel better.

Just got done watching The Biggest Loser and we're now watching The Voice. God, I love this show.

Horrible dreams

I had some really awful dreams last night. The first one was was truly terrifying. I dreamt that I woke up in my bed. There is a bay of windows right next to my bed, and I heard some clamoring outside. Then I saw the curtain blow inward, and I heard and felt the wind. Suddenly the curtain was ripped down and seconds later someone grabbed me and pulled me out of the window by my feet, really fast. It was too dark to see who/what it was. I couldn't get any sound out, but as soon as I managed to say something I woke up in a freaking panic.

Then at some point after I went to sleep I dreamed a woman brought a little blond girl, about seven, to my apartment and said she'd be back in a couple hours or so. The girl barely spoke. I fell asleep while waiting, and when I woke up she was still there, sleeping, and it was early the next morning. She woke up and I asked her what her name was. She said she didn't have a name. I asked her if that woman was her mother and she said no. I started to call the police, but then I decided I didn't want her to go back or to a foster home. I made her breakfast ( hot chocolate and Cocoa Puffs) and heard a knock at the door. This woman outside whispered to me like she was scared and said that I couldn't keep a child in the building and I'd better get rid of her fast. A minute later there was another knock at the door and it was another woman who came to take her away. I tried to slam the door and lock it but she kept trying to push her way in. I woke up before anything else happened.

I hate that I only remember the scary dreams.