Doing a little better

I had a few prolonged moments without nausea today. It's much easier to eat when I'm not feeling sick. I'm looking forward to being past this. I have been trying to "front load" my day and get lots of calories in earlier in the day, because half the time I have been too sick to eat in the evening. Today was the first day I was able to eat everything I had planned out, which is great.

I've been having a smoothie every morning with soy milk, a frozen banana, peanut butter, and protein powder. I'm getting kind of tired of it, but it's a really good combo for fat, protein, calcium and other nutrients. I also had chicken noodle soup, some saltines, banana pudding, applesauce, yogurt, and refried black beans with a little cheese. Jeremy finished all the taco sauce and didn't buy more though. Boo!

I'm still tracking points. I think it's very useful to see what I'm getting, what I need more of, and how much I'm eating, even though I'm not getting all 29 yet. I'm getting closer, and that makes me feel better.

Just got done watching The Biggest Loser and we're now watching The Voice. God, I love this show.

Horrible dreams

I had some really awful dreams last night. The first one was was truly terrifying. I dreamt that I woke up in my bed. There is a bay of windows right next to my bed, and I heard some clamoring outside. Then I saw the curtain blow inward, and I heard and felt the wind. Suddenly the curtain was ripped down and seconds later someone grabbed me and pulled me out of the window by my feet, really fast. It was too dark to see who/what it was. I couldn't get any sound out, but as soon as I managed to say something I woke up in a freaking panic.

Then at some point after I went to sleep I dreamed a woman brought a little blond girl, about seven, to my apartment and said she'd be back in a couple hours or so. The girl barely spoke. I fell asleep while waiting, and when I woke up she was still there, sleeping, and it was early the next morning. She woke up and I asked her what her name was. She said she didn't have a name. I asked her if that woman was her mother and she said no. I started to call the police, but then I decided I didn't want her to go back or to a foster home. I made her breakfast ( hot chocolate and Cocoa Puffs) and heard a knock at the door. This woman outside whispered to me like she was scared and said that I couldn't keep a child in the building and I'd better get rid of her fast. A minute later there was another knock at the door and it was another woman who came to take her away. I tried to slam the door and lock it but she kept trying to push her way in. I woke up before anything else happened.

I hate that I only remember the scary dreams.

Denial

Why is it that when someone comments on my weight loss my first instinct is to deny it? "Oh. No, I weigh the same as before." At first I thought it was because I didn't work for it and thus did not feel like any compliments were deserved. It especially bothered me when people asked what I was doing.

But I still do it. It's almost like I'm embarrassed. I haven't told anyone I'm doing Weight Watchers. Maybe it's because I was always ok with how I looked. I believed in size acceptance. I believed that diets don't work. I believed that most people gain the weight back, usually more than before. I don't even know what I believe anymore. Honestly. Now I know many people who's health has dramatically improved from weight loss. Seemingly. Including my boyfriend. It could have just been from increase in activity. On the other hand, Jeremy may not be on insulin any more, but he still has complications. Bad ones.

It's not like I was ever vocal about it. I mean, who cares if I am re-examining my stance? Nobody knows. But I know. Am I just going to be another statistic and regain all the weight? Am I being irresponsible by encouraging other people to lose weight? I just don't know anymore.

Now I remember

Those of you who are just joining, this is what's been happening. Like a dumbass, I stopped taking my crazy pills for about a month. To the shock of no-one, I started cycling again. I also started having a hard time with overeating, which is almost always due to stress in some way.

I started taking them again, gradually ramping up the dose, like before. I gained a bunch of water weight from the lithium, which I have come to find out is normal but temporary. And then I added the lamictal back in. And I remembered why I lost so much weight the first time I took it. The side effects do not last forever, and over time they get much better, but it took a long time to be able to eat normally again.

Here's what happened the first time, and is now happening again: I feel nauseated all the time. I have stomach cramps all the time. It wakes me up at night and prevents me from getting to sleep. I don't throw up, but sometimes I wish I did. Realistically, it would not help.

I become averse to most foods. Smells make me sick. Even looking at food makes me sick. I get motion sickness from any kind of transportation. Everything I make myself eat makes me sicker for hours after eating it, even water. Because of this I find myself getting dehydrated. Anything I do eat has to be liquid or mushy and bland, and I can't eat large quantities. Anything else I can't even get down. It's freaking miserable.

Last time it went on for about a month, and then the nausea gradually started to go away for periods of time. I started being able to eat a wider variety of foods, including solids. By three or four months in I can eat anything I ate before, but my stomach shrinks and I can't eat a lot until I stretch it back out. I am praying that the side effects wear off faster this time.

Last time this happened I was broke, and since I never felt hungry I didn't really care. I barely ate. I didn't expect it to continue much longer anyway. After it had gone on for a month I started really worrying about my nutrition. I saw a nutritionist, and that helped. I now have the benefit of knowing what I should be eating, and I've started going to the gym again because weight bearing exercise will help prevent loss of muscle. I am also trying much harder to eat whenever I feel able. So I'm getting more in. Not alot, but much better than I did a couple years ago. I also know what kinds of foods I am able to eat for now, which I figured out through trial and error last time, and from the nutritionist's suggestions. I lost weight much too rapidly before, but since I weigh less and eat more now it shouldn't come off that quickly again. I don't want that. It's dangerous. It scared the crap out of me last time, because I didn't know if/when it would get better.

So the only thing I can do now is hang in there and get through it. Try my best to get a varied diet and get in calories where I can. Today I blended a banana with soy milk, peanut butter and protein powder for breakfast, and for lunch I made mashed potatoes, some whole milk pudding, and applesauce with cinnamon. I have split pea soup for dinner. I bought lots of canned soups with split peas, beans and lentils because I need to get a fair amount of sodium, and that gives me lots in one shot. Plus the protein and fiber is harder for me to get in general.

In other news, mother's day is pretty bittersweet in my household because my daughter isn't here. Jeremy never knew his mom, and the woman who raised him passed away. Most holidays are hard on him. He has no family.

Things I should feel good about

With the frustration of the recent weight gain I've been trying to keep reminding myself that in the grand scheme it's not that big of a deal. I actually have a lot to be proud of even if it's hard to see it sometimes.

Monday I went and did some metabolic and aerobic capacity testing that I had purchased through Living Social several months ago. I wound up hurting my back about a week after I purchased it so I just now got around to it. I found out my body fat percentage is now 27.2, down from god only knows what. But it's now within normal and acceptable ranges (typically 25-31%). I scored within the 70th percentile on the aerobic capacity test which means I'm quite a bit more physically fit than average. This is without having done any exercise besides walking in months too. So, I may be overweight still by a little bit, but I'm still in pretty good shape. That's something to be proud of. I also found out that I am actually nearly 5'3" when I have thought I was only 5'2". Not that I had anything to do with that, but it means I'm slightly less overweight than I thought. I think I'll change my goal weight by a few pounds to reflect that.

I should also feel good about the fact that I have kept off over 55 pounds for more than a year. I may have lost most (but not all) of it without specifically trying to, but keeping the weight off has been through quite a lot of effort on my part. I should also feel good about the fact that I have been taking the medications I need to function, even though they make me feel not so great for a while at first, and I get acne and dry skin. It's not easy to make myself sometimes, but I have seen how quickly things change for the worse when I stop taking them. I know it's something I need to do.

I didn't wait until the s--- hit the fan to start taking them again this time either. I'm doing better with getting back on track before things really go south. I'm recognizing small changes in my mood before they get to a dangerous place. I know I shouldn't stop taking my meds ever, and I will try to do better with that. It's too important.

And I don't feel like I shouldn't deserve any credit for losing the weight in the first place. I did feel that way for a long time. But I was taking care of my health by taking my medication, and sometimes taking care of your health results in weight loss. I had the choice not to take them, and at times I wanted to quit, but I didn't. I should feel good about that. I should be proud of what I've accomplished. My health and my fitness have improved in so many ways because I made the choice to take care of myself . That's no small accomplishment.

In other news, we've been working on getting the living room looking nice before my daughter gets here, since part of it will be sectioned off for her "room." I painted three of the four walls, and plan to do the last on on Sunday. It already looks so much cleaner and better. I also have to put in some carpet tiles. Right now there's just concrete and it's gross. We're also in need of a sofa since the dumb cats tore up the old futon, which was frankly really old and nasty anyway. We decided on one of these:
It's from Comfy Sack. I can't believe how inexpensive they are! We don't know what color we're getting yet. Jeremy ordered some fabric samples to look at. It's so cool though. I can't wait to get it. My daughter's going to go nuts over it, I'm sure. I'll be so happy when it's all done in there. I haven't wanted to have anyone over because it was just a total crap hole in there, plus there were all these boxes because there's no point in unpacking until the carpet is put in. I'd just have to move it all. I hung up some of my art collection on the walls I already painted, and it's starting to look like a real home now.

+2.4

I stayed within my points this week and counted EVERYTHING. I'm not really sure what's going on, but I suspect it has something to do with restarting my medication. I've been feeling unbelievably bloated, and it's a salt, so... I also have to maintain fairly high sodium levels in my diet while taking it to keep he levels from going toxic. It's hard not to get discouraged. I'm doing some reading. Trying to figure this out.

One thing I have found out is that the second drug I was taking before is associated with weight loss, and the bulk of the weight I lost was after I started taking both of them. So I think I will start back up on that one as well and see what happens.

Mixed results

I have been planning to stick pretty close to 29 points a day for a while and not use many of my weeklies or activity points, just to chsnge things up and get my weight moving. Yesterday I walked to the museum with Jeremy to see the Nick Cave exhibit, and after that we went home and started painting the livingroom.

I wound up finishing three of the four walls, and between that and the walking that was a LOT of physical activity. I was pretty hungry. Jeremy had bought some candy and a giant cookie and I wound up eating nearly all of both. I didn't feel like making dinner and we went to Qdoba, but at least I reigned it in there and got sokething lower in points. I'm making a commitment to keep my points lower for the rest of the week. I can do this.